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Time for a chuckle or two. Add yours.

Post in 'The Inglenook' started by Mrs. Krabappel, Jan 27, 2013.

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  1. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    May 20, 2008
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    6,409
    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
    A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer, and a mop"

    Favorite bumper sticker: Fat people are harder to abduct

    Helpful Sponsor Ads!





  2. Hearth Mistress

    Hearth Mistress Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2012
    Messages:
    852
    Loc:
    Pt Pleasant, PA (SE PA)
    A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

    "Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

    "Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

    "Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
  3. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

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    6,409
    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
    Did someone here post this already? image.jpg
  4. Defiant

    Defiant Vermont Castings Geek

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    2,112
    Loc:
    Old Lyme CT

    A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.


    The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.



    The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

    'Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.



    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'



    'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

    'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'



    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'



    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


    'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much'.
    HDRock, Joful, Thistle and 1 other person like this.
  5. BrotherBart

    BrotherBart Hearth.com LLC Mid-Atlantic Division Staff Member

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    Loc:
    Northern Virginia
    Back in the sixties an old Indian got out of prison after serving a 20 year sentence. He headed for the nearest bar and ordered that beer he had been dreaming of for years. A young long haired hippie with a scruffy beard was sitting down the bar. The Indian would take a sip and then stare at the hippie. Take a sip and stare at the hippie. Eventually the hippie got bugged and came down and asked the Indian what he was staring at.

    The Indian replied "Twenty years ago I go to jail for making love to Buffalo. Not sure but you just may be my son."
    Defiant, Thistle and Backwoods Savage like this.
  6. fossil

    fossil Accidental Moderator Staff Member

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    Loc:
    Bend, OR
    Wouldn't have been Craig, would it? :rolleyes:
    Defiant likes this.
  7. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
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    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    No need to give your children harsh laxatives... just beat it out of them.


    The preacher said that adultery is as bad as murder. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never killed nobody.


    The difference between a pregnant woman and a burned out light bulb is that the light bulb can be unscrewed.


    Wife to hubby: You don’t need a new spring outfit, you need some spring in your old outfit.
    MasterMech, Jack Fate and Thistle like this.
  8. BrotherBart

    BrotherBart Hearth.com LLC Mid-Atlantic Division Staff Member

    Joined:
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    Loc:
    Northern Virginia

    Back in 1970 my boss loved telling that joke.
  9. rideau

    rideau Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2012
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    Loc:
    southern ontario
    Here's a bumper sticker that ruined a perfectly good word for me:

    Ithaca is gorges.
  10. rideau

    rideau Minister of Fire

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    Jan 12, 2012
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    1,920
    Loc:
    southern ontario
    People who live in glass houses should wear clothes.
    Backwoods Savage likes this.
  11. Gary_602z

    Gary_602z Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2009
    Messages:
    930
    Loc:
    Lake Odessa,MI
    Toothpicks float,they would.

    Gary
    Backwoods Savage likes this.
  12. Joful

    Joful Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2012
    Messages:
    6,171
    Loc:
    Philadelphia
    overkillg.jpg

    darwinawardsx.jpg

    coworkers.jpg
  13. Hearth Mistress

    Hearth Mistress Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2012
    Messages:
    852
    Loc:
    Pt Pleasant, PA (SE PA)
    I love these...they get me laughing every time ;lol

    image.jpg
    Backwoods Savage likes this.
  14. Hearth Mistress

    Hearth Mistress Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2012
    Messages:
    852
    Loc:
    Pt Pleasant, PA (SE PA)
    Chinglish and Engrish sites crack me up too...no offense to anyone here, just my sick sense of humor even though their attempt at English is still better than my Chinese :)

    image.jpg

    image.jpg

    image.jpg
    Backwoods Savage likes this.
  15. Jags

    Jags Moderate Moderator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2006
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    14,882
    Loc:
    Northern IL
    The overkill with the Tonka truck made me giggle. Looks like something I would do, just to mess with people.;lol
  16. Gary_602z

    Gary_602z Minister of Fire

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    Oct 30, 2009
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    930
    Loc:
    Lake Odessa,MI
    The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.

    Gary
  17. homebrewz

    homebrewz Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
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    905
    Loc:
    East Central, NY
    Do you know what the difference is between a four wheel drive and a rental car?

    The rental will go anywhere.
  18. firebroad

    firebroad Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2011
    Messages:
    1,529
    Loc:
    Carroll County, MD
    My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.
    He approached a uniformed security guard, and said. "I lost my Grandpa."
    The guard asked, "What's his name?"
    "Grandpa"
    The Guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
    The tyke hesitated for a moment, then replied:
    "Crown Royal Whiskey and ladies with big t!ts."
  19. WES999

    WES999 Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2008
    Messages:
    888
    Loc:
    Mass north of Boston
    There once was a lady named Brite
    Who's speed was much faster than light
    She went out one day
    And in a relative way
    Returned on the previous night
    Gary_602z likes this.
  20. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
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    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    Just a note to say I’m living, that I’m not among the dead
    Though I’m getting more forgetful and mixed up in my head.
    I got used to arthritis and to my dentures I’m resigned
    I can manage my trifocals, but gosh I miss my mind.

    For sometimes I just can’t remember when I stand at the foot of the stair.
    If I must go up for something or have I just came down from there?
    And before the fridge so often my poor mind is filled with doubt
    Have I just put food away or have I come to take some out?

    So if it’s my turn to write you there’s no need for getting sore
    I may think that I have written and don’t want to be a bore.
    Just remember that I love you and I wish that you were near.
    Now it’s nearly mail time so I must say good-by, my dear.

    Here I stand beside the mailbox with a face so very red.
    Instead of mailing you this letter I have opened it instead.
    firebroad likes this.
  21. Redbarn

    Redbarn Burning Hunk

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2012
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    192
    Loc:
    SE PA
    Old Timers 4WD

    image.jpg
    fossil and Dairyman like this.
  22. begreen

    begreen Mooderator Staff Member

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    46,970
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    South Puget Sound, WA
    Crap, how did you get that photo of me? It sure wasn't supposed to go public!
  23. Joful

    Joful Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2012
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    6,171
    Loc:
    Philadelphia

    He caught it on one of oldmountvernon's lawn cameras.

    So you were the guy stealing the garden gnomes!
  24. begreen

    begreen Mooderator Staff Member

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    South Puget Sound, WA
    Busted :rolleyes:
  25. begreen

    begreen Mooderator Staff Member

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    Nov 18, 2005
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    46,970
    Loc:
    South Puget Sound, WA
    I've got to speak with Jags about motorizing these wheels for a faster getaway.
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