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Posted By Mrs. Krabappel,
Jan 27, 2013 at 8:32 PM
Internal combustion or electric?
Whadya mean, I thought that WAS Jags....
Give it a few more years. Currently I am still comfortable with my waistline being at my hips.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
Nature knows her business
We’re happy to admit
She never made a loving pair
Without the part to fit.
A mother and her young son were riding in a taxi through the rougher part of town, when the little boy noticed several streetwalkers patrolling their beat and he asked who they were. The mother explained, “Those are ladies whose husbands work on the docks, and they’re waiting to walk their husbands home from work.” The cab-driver, who had been listening, looked back over his shoulder and guffawed, “Lady, those are just plain old arse-peddling hustlers. Why don’t you tell the kid the truth?” Everything was quiet for a while, then the boy asked his mother, “Do arse-peddling hustlers have little boys too?” She answered sweetly, “Of course they do, dear. That’s where all the taxi drivers come from.”
Middle aged texting
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort
of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
Since I have just recently acquired a cellphone and this skill, I found this particularly amusing
Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from Denton,Texas, traveled to Grand Lake, Oklahoma for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair." Bubba Wayne says, "Woo Hoo, Billy Bob! We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take 'em back to Denton, sell 'em to all our friends and make us a fortune. Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your Texas accent, they might think we're ignorant, and they won't wanna sell them clothes to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow, fake Oklahoma drawl so's they won't know."
They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Oklahoma drawl, "I'll take 50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......" The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Texas, ain'cha?" "Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba Wayne. "How come'd you know that?" "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."
I have lots of internal combustion, might as well use it!
How about the guy who refused Novocain at the dentist office. He wanted to transcend dental medication.
What if birds were tickled by feathers? Would they laugh?
If you stomp gripes, do you get whine?
NASA is going to send some cows up in the next shuttle to study the effects of zero gravity on milk production. It will become known as the herd that was shot around the world.
The two most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
A dog goes into the future and bites his own tail, when does he feel it?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. “Don’t worry lady,” he said. “I’ll pack some up with bigger portions and have them ready for you before you finish your shopping.” Several aisles later, the butcher’s voice boomed over the public address system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store!”
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. " Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling ?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job." one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the tax-payers' money ?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy.
A preacher was passing a group of boys sitting along the sidewalk and asked what they were doing. “Nothing much Pastor,” replied one lad. “We’re just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.” “Boys!” he intoned, “I’m shocked. Why, when I was your age I never even thought about sex at all.” In unison they all replied, “Okay, you win Pastor!”
Warning Signs that You are Broke
You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking several deep breaths outside your favorite restaurant.
You’ve rolled so many pennies you’re formed a psychic bond with Abraham Lincoln.
Long distance companies quit calling to get you to switch.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You rob Peter and then turn around and rob Paul too.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood every day, just for the orange juice and cookie.
McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it.”
You beg for rides in other people's fishing boats cause you can't afford 2 stroke oil.
You steal mom and dad's pop cans from the garage on your way out the door.
14 Places You Have To Poop At Before You Die
Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are in a bar discussing their sons. Mrs. Cohen says, “Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous attorney he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills and a vacation home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife and everything a man could want in this world!”
Mrs. Levy says, “That’s nice dear, but let me tell you about my son Jonathan. He is a doctor and a world famous researcher. He travels across the world to conferences and gives lectures. He was also nominated for a Nobel Prize in medicine.” “What a man!”
Mrs. Lefkovitz says. “My Hershel, he’s an engineer. He makes maybe $35,000 a year and he’s not famous. But his manhood is so long you can line up 10 pigeons in a row on it!”
After a few more drinks, Mrs. Cohen says, “Actually, I have a confession to make. My Sheldon’s an up and coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn’t have a vacation home in Hawaii. He’s a bright young man with a good future.”
Mrs. Levy then says, “Well, I have a confession to make too. My Jonathan is a good doctor and he had a scholarship, but he wasn’t nominated for a Nobel Prize and he doesn’t give lectures.”
Then suddenly there was silence. Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Levy look expectantly as Mrs. Lefkovitz. “Well, all right. I’ll tell the truth too. That last pigeon has got to stand on one leg.”
THAT is a brilliant web site!
I particularly like the link that shows the past photos against the present locations.
It takes a special mind to come up with things like, "The 33 Most Important Bunny GIFs On The Internet", or "33 Smells You Will Never Be Able To Forget".
Magnetism is one of the six fundamental forces of the universe, with the other five being gravity, duct tape, whining, remote control and the force that pulls dogs toward the crotches of strangers.
Why are parents so impatient for a child to take his first steps and to speak his first words? They then spend the next 18 years telling the kid to shut up and sit down.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Don’t bend over in the garden Granny. You know them taters got eyes!
Did you hear about the artistic lady Plastic Surgeon? She made a big bust of herself.
Why do they say, “She’s expecting?” It seems more like she is certain of it.
Why do they call it “Instant Credit?” Don’t they mean Instant Debt?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?
Why do we say something builds character, but we call the town idiot a character?