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Time for more jokes

Post in 'The Inglenook' started by Defiant, Aug 27, 2013.

  1. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,815
    Loc:
    Michigan
    Roamin’ Poemin’ Cowboys


    Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.

    The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense.

    As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go,

    The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.


    When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart,

    From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn’t start.

    So Jake did what most of us do if we’d have been there.

    He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.


    As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.

    They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.

    Now Jake had been around in life and done his share of roamin’,

    But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked...it looked just like Wyomin’.



    Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter.

    Now, this line, it ain’t needed but it helps with rhyme and meter.

    So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three,

    Nobody was keepin’ score; in Heaven time is free.



    “I’ve always heard,” Jake said to Pete, “that God will answer prayers,

    But one time I asked for help, well, He just plain wasn’t there.

    Does God answer prayers of some and ignore the prayers of others?

    That don’t seem exactly square; I know all men are brothers.



    “Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?

    Maybe, it’s the time of day, the weather or the season.

    Now I ain’t trying to act smart, it’s just the way I feel,

    And I was wonderin’, could you tell what the heck’s the deal?”



    Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,

    There were smiles of recognition, and he said, “So, you’re the one!”

    That day your truck, it wouldn’t start, and you sent your prayer a flying,

    You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying.



    “A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file,

    But you know, Jake, we hadn’t heard from you in quite a while.

    And though all prayers are answered, and God ain’t got no quota,

    He didn’t recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota.”
    NortheastAl and Joful like this.

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  2. HDRock

    HDRock Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2012
    Messages:
    2,210
    Loc:
    Grand Blanc, Mi
    Here ya go, This is so cute and funny, ;lol
    When a 3 year old is asked about monsters

    Backwoods Savage and Defiant like this.
  3. Defiant

    Defiant Vermont Castings Geek

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    2,109
    Loc:
    Old Lyme CT
    I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...

    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
    She says, 'Hello.'
    He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
    To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the
    pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'


    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.”
  4. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,815
    Loc:
    Michigan
    Perhaps a bit early, but....

    When I was a young turkey and new to the coop.
    My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.

    Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow
    And he told me there was something that I had to know.

    His look and his tone I will always remember.
    When he told me of the horrors of the coming November;

    Come about August, now listen to me.
    Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three.

    And soon you’ll be thick where once you were thin.
    And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin:

    And then one morning when you’re warm in your bed.
    In will burst the farmer’s wife and hack off your head.

    Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers, so you’re bald and pink.
    And scoop out your guts and leave you lying in the sink

    And then comes the worst part, he said without bluffing.
    She’ll spread your cheeks wide and pack you with stuffing.

    Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat.
    I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.

    And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.
    I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked.

    I began a new diet of nuts and granola.
    High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.

    And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes;
    I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

    I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half.
    And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed:

    But ‘twas I who was laughing under my breath.
    As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.

    And sure enough, when November rolled around.
    I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.

    So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
    I haven’t a worry so I eat and I nap.

    But she held me today while sewing and humming.
    And smiled at me and said, “Christmas is coming!”
    NortheastAl likes this.
  5. BrotherBart

    BrotherBart Hearth.com LLC Mid-Atlantic Division Staff Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2005
    Messages:
    29,065
    Loc:
    Northern Virginia
    OK. I'll play.

    A group of women were at a seminar on "How to live in a loving
    relationship with your husband."

    The women were asked: "How many of you love your husband?"
    All the women raised their hands.
    Then the women were asked : "When was the last time you told your husband
    you loved him?"

    Some women answered today, some yesterday, some just couldn't remember.
    The women were then asked to take out their cell phones and text their
    husbands with one message: "I love you, sweetheart."

    The women were then told to exchange cell phones and to read aloud the
    text message responses from all the husbands. Here are some of the
    replies:
    1. Who is this?
    2. Hey -- are you sick?
    3. I love you too.
    4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
    5. OK -- what did you do now?
    6. Don 't beat around the bush. Just tell me how much you need.
    7. Am I dreaming?
    8. If you don't tell me who this message is really for, someone will die.
    9. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
    10. Your mother is coming to visit, isn't she?
    Frozen Canuck, Bret Hart and Joful like this.
  6. webbie

    webbie Seasoned Moderator Staff Member

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    Nov 17, 2005
    Messages:
    12,100
    Loc:
    Western Mass.
    I have one, but the mods might delete it.....
  7. fossil

    fossil Accidental Moderator Staff Member

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    10,321
    Loc:
    Bend, OR
    Count on it. >>
  8. Retired Guy

    Retired Guy Feeling the Heat

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2011
    Messages:
    459
    Loc:
    Cape Vincent, NY
    The rich blonde,
    Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
    She drives the car perfectly well during the day,
    but at night, the car just won't move at all.
    After trying to drive the car at night for a
    week (but without any luck), she furiously
    calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a
    technician to her.

    The technician examines the car and finds
    nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde
    and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the
    right gears?"

    Full of anger, the blonde replies:
    "You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask
    such a question? I'm not stupid you know!

    Of course I am using the right gears;
    I use D during the day and N at night."
    NortheastAl and webbie like this.
  9. webbie

    webbie Seasoned Moderator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2005
    Messages:
    12,100
    Loc:
    Western Mass.
    And here I though all Mariners were like Barnacle Bill!
    [​IMG]
    NortheastAl likes this.
  10. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    Messages:
    27,815
    Loc:
    Michigan
    Years ago before many roads were paved, a man came upon a big area of mud. A farm boy was mending a fence nearby so the fellow asked the boy, “Does that mudhole have a good firm bottom?” The boy answered, “Yup. Sure does.” So the guy gets in his car and drives right into it and it promptly sunk to the floorboards. He was stuck real good. Mad, he jumps out and yells at the boy, “I though you said there was a good bottom in this mudhole!” The boy answered, “Yup, I did and there is a good bottom in there. You just aren’t deep enough to find it yet.”



    On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”
    NortheastAl likes this.
  11. rideau

    rideau Minister of Fire

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    Jan 12, 2012
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    1,960
    Loc:
    southern ontario
    Thanks a lot, Dennis.

    Don't think I'm going to be able to eat my Turkey this Thanksgiving, which for me comes in a few weeks...
    Backwoods Savage likes this.
  12. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,815
    Loc:
    Michigan
    The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. “Don’t worry lady,” he said. “I’ll pack some up with bigger portions and have them ready for you before you finish your shopping.” Several aisles later, the butcher’s voice boomed over the public address system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store!”
  13. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

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    May 20, 2008
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    6,443
    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
    [​IMG]
  14. Doug MacIVER

    Doug MacIVER Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2012
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    617
    Loc:
    se mass
    then Satan said, "put the alphabet in math"
    Firedancer likes this.
  15. PapaDave

    PapaDave Minister of Fire

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    Feb 23, 2008
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    5,740
    Loc:
    Northern MI - in the mitten
    Wait, so you don't have veto power?
    Dat ain't right.
  16. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    Messages:
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    Loc:
    Michigan
    Following a campaign speech, a man rushed up to a Senator and said, “Senator, I wouldn’t vote for you if you were St. Peter!” The Senator looked straight at the man and said, “Sir, If I were St. Peter, you couldn’t vote for me, because you wouldn’t be in my district!”



    THE NINTH SYMPHONY

    A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one else is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

    Ludwig van Beethoven
    1770-1827

    Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

    Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is being played, again backward. The expert also notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed; the Ninth, then the Seventh, then the Fifth.

    By the next day the word had spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. “Don’t you get it?” asked the caretaker. “He’s decomposing.”
    NortheastAl and Doug MacIVER like this.
  17. WES999

    WES999 Minister of Fire

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    Loc:
    Mass north of Boston
    An elderly lady saw a young boy on a skate board holding onto his dog's tail, being pulled down the street.
    The lady said "Can't you find another way to hold onto your dog?"
    The boy replied "I could grab his balls, but that is my passing gear."
  18. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    Michigan
    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...


    Would you call a short psychic who escapes from prison a small medium at large?


    There was a guide escorting tourists through the British Museum in London. “That Egyptian mummy is front of you is over 5000 years old. It is possible the Moses saw it.” An American tourist asked, “Moses saw it? When was Moses ever in London?”
    daveswoodhauler and Joful like this.
  19. WES999

    WES999 Minister of Fire

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    930
    Loc:
    Mass north of Boston
    I bought some used paint yesterday....
    ...came in the shape of a house.
    Backwoods Savage likes this.
  20. begreen

    begreen Mooderator Staff Member

    Joined:
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    49,633
    Loc:
    South Puget Sound, WA
    A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.
    As he sits down, I came along and asked if anyone is
    sitting in the seat next to him..

    "No", he says, "the seat is empty."

    "This is incredible!" I said, "who in their right mind
    would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of
    the whole world, and not use it? He says, "Well, actually, the
    seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me,
    but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't
    been together since we got married."

    "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I
    guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or
    relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

    The man shakes his head...
    "No. They're all at the funeral."
    Bret Hart, Joful and Backwoods Savage like this.
  21. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    27,815
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    Michigan
    A couple of army recruits were out on maneuvers when one of them shouted to the other that he had found a dead animal on the road. “It’s got stripes!” he yelled. “Leave him lay!” shouted back his partner. “It’s either a skunk or a sergeant.”
    How about the young boy who told one of his friends, “My mother tried to tell me the stork doesn’t bring babies. What a wild story she gave me!”


    The idea of daylight savings time came from an old Indian chief who cut off one end of his blanket and had it sewn to the other end to make the blanket longer.


    How about the young boy who told one of his friends, “My mother tried to tell me the stork doesn’t bring babies. What a wild story she gave me!”
  22. Gary_602z

    Gary_602z Minister of Fire

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    Loc:
    Lake Odessa,MI
    Teach asks little Johnny the definition of fascinate. Johnny replies " My aunt Mary has 12 buttons on her sweater but she can only Fasten Eight":)

    Gary
    Bret Hart, Backwoods Savage and Joful like this.
  23. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    Loc:
    Michigan
    Three engineers and three accountants are traveling together by train to a convention. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and then watch as the three engineers buy only one single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the accountants. “Watch, and you’ll see,” answered one of the engineers. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats, but all three of the engineers cram themselves into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting passengers’ tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it, and moves on down that car and into the next one.

    After he has gone, the engineers emerge from the restroom and take empty seats. The three accountants see all of this, and decide it is quite a clever idea. So, after the close of the convention, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money in the process (being frugal with funds, as is their reputation). So when they all get together at the station, the accountants buy just one single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the engineers do not buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one of the perplexed accountants. “Watch, and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers. When they board the train this time, the three engineers once again cram themselves into a restroom and the three accountants do the same in another restroom at the other end of the car. The train departs. Immediately afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks down the car to the other restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
  24. Doug MacIVER

    Doug MacIVER Minister of Fire

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    Loc:
    se mass
    you are home lone in an empty house, you hear a fart . would you laugh or be scared? (stolen off twitter)
  25. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    27,815
    Loc:
    Michigan
    A Texan in Detroit needed to call a friend from a pay phone. “Deposit $1.85 please,” instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, “Ma’am, I’m from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!” “I understand, sir,” retorted the operator, “but in Texas, that’s a local call.”
    begreen and Joful like this.

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