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Tools Explained

Post in 'The Inglenook' started by stephiedoll, Dec 22, 2011.

  1. stephiedoll

    stephiedoll Burning Hunk

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2008
    Messages:
    104
    Loc:
    omaha, ne
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh chit!'

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON-OF-A-B**CH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a groan!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    Hope you found this informative.

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  2. Thistle

    Thistle Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2010
    Messages:
    4,206
    Loc:
    Central IA
    Also known as my computer mouse,which gets slammed down on the desk with regularity when this POS freezes up.No wonder they rarely last over a year. :wow:
  3. fishingpol

    fishingpol Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2010
    Messages:
    2,052
    Loc:
    Merrimack Valley, MA
    I had a piece of small plywood launched into my stomach to test my bodily integrity a few years back. One nasty black and blue mark/borderline laceration. I use push sticks and stand off to the side now. I have the most respect for chainsaw first and table saw second.

    I did drop a hydraulic jack on my big toe once. It hurt bad until the ER doctor burned a hole through my toenail to relieve the build up of blood under the nail. Damn it felt good after that.
  4. PapaDave

    PapaDave Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2008
    Messages:
    5,740
    Loc:
    Northern MI - in the mitten
    He could have used a drillpress. :coolsmile:
  5. fishingpol

    fishingpol Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2010
    Messages:
    2,052
    Loc:
    Merrimack Valley, MA
    It would have saved me my ER deductible.
  6. Flatbedford

    Flatbedford Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2009
    Messages:
    5,231
    Loc:
    Croton-on-Hudson, suburbs of NYC
    I have also been bruised by plywood flying off a table saw. It was a groin bruise that missed by only an inch or two.
  7. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    GARDEN HOE: A tool used for cutting heads off snakes.
  8. Thistle

    Thistle Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2010
    Messages:
    4,206
    Loc:
    Central IA
    First time I smashed a thumb or finger really good I was 16.Whole nail swelled up blackish purple,the works.Pain was incredible,finger swelled up & couldnt put on winter glove. Parents took me to ER where the doc heated up a bent paperclip,dipped it in rubbing alcohol & burned that tiny hole in the nail to relieve the pressure.

    Being I've worked construction for 27+ yrs now,that happened a few more times since,the last time in 2009.Smashed it good enough that entire nail was dark,meaning I knew I'd lose the nail in 3-4 weeks & new one grow in underneath.Ever since when it happened 20 some yrs ago even though I have good insurance I do exactly at home what doctor does - heat up a safety pin,sterilize it & gently push it in until a drop of blood squirts out.Hurts for a second or two & then its relief.Why wait 2 hrs at clinic in pain when in less than 5 minutes I can be done?
  9. firefighterjake

    firefighterjake Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2008
    Messages:
    15,460
    Loc:
    Unity/Bangor, Maine
    Spade: Tool used to find big rocks buried in the ground

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