Time for a chuckle or two. Add yours.
- Thread starter Mrs. Krabappel
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Backwoods Savage
Minister of Fire
And we also find that quicksand can work slowly and boxing rings are square. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger and neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand? You can also comb through annals of history but can't find a single annal. And the guys on hearth.com chop down a lot of trees but then they chop them up. What gives? We also eat food up but down a lot of drinks.
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Take the word finish. When you are done with the finish on a particular piece of wood, you are said to have finished with the finish. But then, there may also be Finnish that finish the finish and are finally finished.
Little Johnny rushes home from school and invades the refrigerator. He is scooping out some ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play? So he says, “Let’s play Mommy and Daddy.” Trying not to act surprised and to further appease him, she says, “Fine. I’ll play. What should I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down on the bed.” Really wondering what little Johnny is going to do next, but figuring she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs and laid on the bed. Soon, little Johnny swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat and as he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. So he goes over and picks it up and slips it into the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother asks, “What do I do now? In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
Bret Hart
Burning Hunk
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Backwoods Savage
Minister of Fire
They say a mockingbird can change its tune eighty seven times in seven minutes. They must be the envy of every politician.
The problem with stress-regulation methods, such as breathing exercises, relaxation technique, bio-feedback etc., is that none of it is as satisfying as beating the hell out of your stressor.
The Lamaze class was in full swing with the room full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly also with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the pain. Then the instructor announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you and walking is very beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your wife either!” Suddenly the room got quiet until finally a man raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. The man then asked, “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
The problem with stress-regulation methods, such as breathing exercises, relaxation technique, bio-feedback etc., is that none of it is as satisfying as beating the hell out of your stressor.
The Lamaze class was in full swing with the room full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly also with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the pain. Then the instructor announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you and walking is very beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your wife either!” Suddenly the room got quiet until finally a man raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. The man then asked, “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
Jack Fate
Feeling the Heat
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're do...ing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7
Backwoods Savage
Minister of Fire
Did you hear about the fellow who thought logarithm was a type of birth control for a north woods couple?
One girl says, “I don’t understand why those Russians are so un-cooperative. Give me a couple of Vodkas and I’ll agree to anything.
I just heard a doctor on TV remark that every sex encounter takes 15 minutes off a man’s life. According to that, I died about 30 years ago!
Untidy is the woman who cooks carrots and peas in the same pot.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
One girl says, “I don’t understand why those Russians are so un-cooperative. Give me a couple of Vodkas and I’ll agree to anything.
I just heard a doctor on TV remark that every sex encounter takes 15 minutes off a man’s life. According to that, I died about 30 years ago!
Untidy is the woman who cooks carrots and peas in the same pot.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
osagebow
Minister of Fire
Turtle was paid handsomely with nightcrawlers and strawberries, then released.
Backwoods Savage
Minister of Fire
The preacher said that adultery is as bad as murder. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never killed nobody.
Did you hear about the old maid that went into the mail order business. The first day she ordered three males.
A fart is the sharpest thing in the world. It can go through your pants without even making a hole.
Ye who came to Nature’s call
Why do you write upon the wall?
Could it be that your feeble wit
Only shines where others...go?
Did you hear about the old maid that went into the mail order business. The first day she ordered three males.
A fart is the sharpest thing in the world. It can go through your pants without even making a hole.
Ye who came to Nature’s call
Why do you write upon the wall?
Could it be that your feeble wit
Only shines where others...go?
HDRock
Minister of Fire
Not a chuckle but thanks for posting
What kinda park is that
That's a hell of a way to celebrate independence , being watched and searched
I would say more but, I will bite my tung
firebroad
Minister of Fire
Come on now Delta - you know if he could talk he would have asked for a Billy Beer.
Mushroom walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, I'm not gonna serve you in here."
Mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fun guy."
Bartender says, "Hey, I'm not gonna serve you in here."
Mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fun guy."
firebroad
Minister of Fire
Backwoods Savage
Minister of Fire
I’m not allowed to run the train
The whistle I can’t blow
I’m not allowed to say how far
The lousy thing can go
I’m not allowed to blow off steam
Nor even ring the bell
But let that thing jump off the track
Then see who catches hell
Life is sexually transmitted.
Is an erection considered personal growth?
The whistle I can’t blow
I’m not allowed to say how far
The lousy thing can go
I’m not allowed to blow off steam
Nor even ring the bell
But let that thing jump off the track
Then see who catches hell
Life is sexually transmitted.
Is an erection considered personal growth?
From my children's childhood days: (Obviously to Frere Jacques)
Daddy's rusting
Daddy's rusting
Bring him in
Bring him in
Rub and shine and polish him
Rub and shine and polish him
It's too late
It's too late
Daddy's rusting
Daddy's rusting
Bring him in
Bring him in
Rub and shine and polish him
Rub and shine and polish him
It's too late
It's too late
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes ..
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose ..
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ... correct?
Man: Correct ..
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct ..
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No ..
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Man: Yes ..
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose ..
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ... correct?
Man: Correct ..
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct ..
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No ..
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
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