The Handyman's Dictionary:
SNAP-RING PLIER: Special pliers used to propel
snap-rings from the part you
are working on to the farthest, darkest, spider
inhabited recesses of the
garage .
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting your
freshly-painted vintage car (or boat
or airplane) which you had carefully parked in the
corner of the shop (or
hangar) where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the
workbench at the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes
you to say, 'Oh sh--....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make
studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes
used in the creation of
blood blisters.
CRESCENT WRENCH: Used to prepare a bolt head for
the application of pliers.
BELT SANDER An electric sanding tool commonly used
to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board principle
It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
completely round-off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to
prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting
various flammable objects
in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping
the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering
an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times
harder than any known
drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes
thereby ending any possible
future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the
maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect from the
engine being removed.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large
pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt
. It can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw
heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint
cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the
object you are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
cardboard shipping cartons
delivered to your front door . Works particularly
well on the contents of
the carton such as seats, collector vinyl records,
caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in
plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing the work clothes of the person
using the knife or anyone
standing next to that person.
GOD-D*MM*T TOOL: Any tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while
yelling 'GOD-D*MM*T' at the top of your lungs. It
is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.
The only tool I could see missing was the pneumatic nail gun, any more?
SNAP-RING PLIER: Special pliers used to propel
snap-rings from the part you
are working on to the farthest, darkest, spider
inhabited recesses of the
garage .
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting your
freshly-painted vintage car (or boat
or airplane) which you had carefully parked in the
corner of the shop (or
hangar) where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the
workbench at the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes
you to say, 'Oh sh--....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make
studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes
used in the creation of
blood blisters.
CRESCENT WRENCH: Used to prepare a bolt head for
the application of pliers.
BELT SANDER An electric sanding tool commonly used
to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board principle
It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
completely round-off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to
prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting
various flammable objects
in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping
the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering
an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times
harder than any known
drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes
thereby ending any possible
future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the
maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect from the
engine being removed.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large
pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt
. It can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw
heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint
cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the
object you are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
cardboard shipping cartons
delivered to your front door . Works particularly
well on the contents of
the carton such as seats, collector vinyl records,
caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in
plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing the work clothes of the person
using the knife or anyone
standing next to that person.
GOD-D*MM*T TOOL: Any tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while
yelling 'GOD-D*MM*T' at the top of your lungs. It
is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.
The only tool I could see missing was the pneumatic nail gun, any more?
