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DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

Post in 'The Inglenook' started by iskiatomic, Nov 12, 2011.

  1. iskiatomic

    iskiatomic Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    725
    Loc:
    Central CT
    Inspired by Bousquet's "Autumn Leaves", I offer you this saved e-mail funny:
    DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

    December 8 - 6:00 PM
    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our
    cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift
    down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we
    felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


    December 9
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow, covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

    December 12
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

    December 14
    Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

    December 15
    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

    December 16
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20
    Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22
    Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the *sshole is lying.

    December 23
    Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

    December 24
    6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b$tch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

    December 25
    Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26
    Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27
    Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

    December 28
    Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B!TCH is driving me crazy!!!

    December 29
    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30
    Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his *ss. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

    December 31
    I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8
    Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


    KC
    TooColdHere likes this.

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  2. yooperdave

    yooperdave Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2010
    Messages:
    1,128
    Loc:
    Michigan's U.P.
    while my son was attended university way up in the snow belt, he had to laugh at the students from the "banana belt" (pretty much anywhere south of lower mi/wis) that had never seen lots of snow before. their reaction was pretty much the same as the snow shoveler. he said at first snow, they would be outside dancing and spinning around, trying to catch snowflakes with their tongues. after snowing every day for weeks, they would walk to and from classes with their heads down, mumbling and grumbling...
    we got our first real snow this past week, it hasn't melted yet....ended up with about 7-8 inches, other areas got as much as 14.
  3. Milton Findley

    Milton Findley Feeling the Heat

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2010
    Messages:
    313
    Loc:
    Whitefish Bay, WI
    Two Toro snow blowers out in our shed, one for me, one for her. The eight horsepower one needs some adjustments, which we will do this very day. Absolutely indespensible items of winter equipment. Two five gallon buckets of salt ready to go. Should get through Christmas easy.
  4. nate379

    nate379 Guest

    I wish it would STOP snowing already! It's snowed a few times a week since Halloween. It's dumping pretty good right now.
  5. Mt Ski Bum

    Mt Ski Bum Member

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2011
    Messages:
    507
    Loc:
    Big Sky, Montana
    no offence, but... Alaska probably isn't the best place to be if you dislike snow &/or cold! :lol:
  6. BrotherBart

    BrotherBart Hearth.com LLC Mid-Atlantic Division Staff Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2005
    Messages:
    29,126
    Loc:
    Northern Virginia
    I think we already had this conversation. :lol:
  7. Shadow&Flame

    Shadow&Flame Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2011
    Messages:
    788
    Loc:
    Central Arkansas
    You could move down here...just better like living in an oven in the summer... ;-)
    Its 11pm and its still 65 outside...
  8. nate379

    nate379 Guest

    Actually it's snowed quite a bit this year compared to the last 2 or 3. Last year it was almost pointless to have hooked the snowblower to my tractor. I only used it a few times, mostly to clear out a drift or two in the driveway.


  9. lukem

    lukem Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2010
    Messages:
    3,687
    Loc:
    Indiana
    That is hilarious....really hit home because of a guy i work with just relocated from so-cal to central mass...emailing this to him tomorrow.
  10. PapaDave

    PapaDave Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2008
    Messages:
    5,740
    Loc:
    Northern MI - in the mitten
    Jeez lukem, why spoil the surprise? :lol:
  11. nate379

    nate379 Guest

    You know those "ergo" shovels that have bend handle?

    [​IMG]

    Guy from the south moved up to Maine... bragging about this ergo shovel he bought and how he will love shoveling the snow to my Dad.

    My Dad goes... shoulda just bought a regular shovel, after the first winter the handle will be all bent like the one you bought anyhow. hjahahahaa.
  12. Milton Findley

    Milton Findley Feeling the Heat

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2010
    Messages:
    313
    Loc:
    Whitefish Bay, WI
    That is funny Nate.

    I was at the local Ace Hardware buying a missing machine screw for one of my snowblowers yesterday when I walked past the snow shovel aisle. They had on that was about a yard wide, apparently for doing walks with. A wife was trying to persuade her husband that it would be a good thing. He was having his doubts. One of them has shoveled snow before.

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