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DIY Tools Explained

Post in 'DIY and General non-hearth advice' started by BrotherBart, Dec 7, 2013.

  1. BrotherBart

    BrotherBart Hearth.com LLC Mid-Atlantic Division Staff Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2005
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    28,620
    Loc:
    Northern Virginia
    Since so many people ask about various DIY tools I thought I would post these descriptions.


    Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, s---!"

    Skill Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of bloodblisters.

    Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    Vise Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    Table Saw: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes and trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    Band Saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    Two-ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

    Hose Cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    Utility Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SOB Tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "SOB" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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  2. bioman

    bioman Burning Hunk

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2010
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    230
    A+ here, Too Funny, I think you've been in my shop ! ;lol
  3. drewmo

    drewmo Feeling the Heat

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    Nov 20, 2006
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    256
    Loc:
    Central Maine
    The most expensive wire is the wire you cut an inch too short.
  4. Seasoned Oak

    Seasoned Oak Minister of Fire

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    Oct 17, 2008
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    Eastern Central PA
    You could probably do a good job with computers and their related frustrations.
  5. Ehouse

    Ehouse Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2011
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    936
    Loc:
    Upstate NY
    Chaps: Dressing for wounds incurred after swinging Saw across left knee. Also, a decorative wall hanging for the garage or shop, often left up all year in some
    regions, as with Xmas lights.
    osagebow likes this.
  6. semipro

    semipro Minister of Fire

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    SW Virginia
    I wish these descriptions were hyperbole.
    Unfortunately, I can tell from first hand experience they're not.

    Chaps are usually what I'm cussing as I get up off the ground after having fallen and tossed my chain saw about 6 ft. away, chain in the dirt.
  7. Ehouse

    Ehouse Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2011
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    936
    Loc:
    Upstate NY

    I've got the scar to prove it!
    Seasoned Oak likes this.
  8. ironpony

    ironpony Minister of Fire

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    Loc:
    mid-ohio via St.Croix USVI
    Mitre Box Used for making precise 45 degree cuts to form 90 degree angles for trim. Unfortunately while trimming a home nothing is 90 degrees.

    Channel Locks Actually water pump pliers, used after pliers to finish rounding off bolt head so vise grips will grab securely.

    Pry Bar Also used for removing stuck objects after breaking off tip of flat screwdriver. The same Screwdriver which just stripped the screw you are now prying out.

    Utility Knife Also great for cutting tip of thumb off while opening boxes.

    Cut Off Wheel Used for cutting metal and cutting skin with no blood loss due to cortorising effect
    Seasoned Oak likes this.
  9. Jags

    Jags Moderate Moderator Staff Member

    Joined:
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    Northern IL
    Stand grinder - a handy tool when you want to take a small object that needs a fitting adjustment and turn it into a rocket hot object that burns the fingerprints clean off of your hands.
    Seasoned Oak likes this.
  10. firefighterjake

    firefighterjake Minister of Fire

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    Unity/Bangor, Maine
    I always found the hammer to be an excellent medical test of my pain threshold . . . specifically my thumb's pain threshold.
    Seasoned Oak likes this.
  11. Seasoned Oak

    Seasoned Oak Minister of Fire

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    Grinder Safety shield:Device made to be taken off and discarded,ensuring severe injury with next use.( Personal experience)
    Welders gloves: Sometimes used to load woodstoves, judging by burn marks on forearms ,not used enough
  12. fbelec

    fbelec Minister of Fire

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    you mean you have brown spot on your thumbs too??????????
  13. ironpony

    ironpony Minister of Fire

    Joined:
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    1,791
    Loc:
    mid-ohio via St.Croix USVI



    Revised; any safety shield. see definition above
  14. semipro

    semipro Minister of Fire

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    Safety Glasses: Eye protection equipment known for fogging and obscuring vision when used in conjunction with respiratory protection.
  15. osagebow

    osagebow Minister of Fire

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    Funny stuff! Red Green meets Ron White.

    Circular saw -commonly used to convert a 5' Circular saw cord into a 2' circular saw cord
    ironpony and Joful like this.
  16. blades

    blades Minister of Fire

    Joined:
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    Battery powered tools - battery dead , won't recharge. runs out of power 1/4 way into project then see first 2 items.
    Drills - good for grabbing anything in close proximity and either winding into coil or flinging same.
    1/2" power drill - wrist sprainer, also good for breaking bit off in hole there by rendering that area completely useless.
    Pipe wrench- a tool that completely crushes the particular item that it is applied to or causes removal of pipe joint at least 5' away there by creating at 3 times more work.
    Adjustable wrench- automatic corner rounding device works equally as well on Metric or SAE type bolts and nuts.
    Monkey wrench - similar to adjustable wrench, not as efficient.
    Impact wrench- used for removing bolt heads but not the threaded portion or nuts by snapping off the threaded portion
  17. Adamkyr

    Adamkyr New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2013
    Messages:
    31
    Loc:
    New Fairfield, Connecticut
    I can absolutely attest to the cauterizing effect of the cutoff wheel from my recent chimney liner install. This effect is a time saver since it does not require you to stop working in order to stop the blood flow.
    gregbesia likes this.

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