Post in 'The Inglenook' started by Mrs. Krabappel, Jan 27, 2013.
Chuckle of the day. This one's for Fossil. Smart Kids:
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Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, here I am.
Jeez, when I saw this one the first time, it said "Just when ya think it can't git any better ........"
A guy comes home every Friday night and his wife has his fishing gear and provisions waiting for him. He kisses her and heads out to fish all weekend for stress relief. One Sunday night he comes back as usual and when he walks in he asks his wife "Honey why didn't you pack my underwear this time?". She replies "Honey, if you had opened your tackle box you would have found them.".
Man dies, goes to heaven, meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: "Have you been faithful to your wife?" Man answers, "I've always been faithful to my wife." St. Peter says, "you get a Cadillac and you can drive anywhere you want in Heaven.
Man dies, goes to heaven, meets St. Peter at the Perly Gates. "Have you been faithful to your wife?" Mans answers: "I have to be honesst. I cheated once." St. Peter says, "You get a VW and you get to drive on the right hand side of Heaven.
Man dies and goes to Heaven, meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you been faithful to your wife?" Man answers, I cheated every chance I got." St. Peter says: " You get a bicycle and can rde in these ten blocks in Heaven."
A month later the man with the VW and the man with the bike come across the man with the Cadillac. He's sitting on the curb, crying. "What are you crying for?" they ask. "You have a Cadillac, you can drive anywhere you want in Heaven."
The man answers, "My wife just went by on a skateboard."
My wife said...why couldn't it have been the bike or the VW guy....women....
guess what I do for a living???
Well I hope this doesn't offend anyone,
Bud the Cowboy
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, Ray Ban® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer and connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image pr...ocessing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
That's a good one. Really gets a great laugh! I've always loved frogs....now I'm starting to think they are smart, to boot.
Thanks for posting. You made my day.
Help For AN OLD SHIPMATE.........
I'm reaching out on behalf of an old Shipmate of mine who needs some help.
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her a bottle of diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.
Separate names with a comma.