Fire building in a relationship

[BradleyW]

I know there must be some discussions along these lines out there, but I couldn't find them, so I will start a new one. Two summers ago, my wife and I bought a house that is primarily heated with wood. Neither of us had ever burned wood before, but we were both interested and excited to give it a try. I think we both enjoyed using the wood stoves last year for the first time (I know I did).
The only issue has been that we sometimes disagree about how to build a fire. I've done a lot of research over the past year and feel like I've gotten quite good at using a wood stove. I don't think my wife has invested the same amount of time in learning about it and her fires tend to be a little smoky. It's become a bone of contention when she builds a fire when I'm home because it is very difficult for me to just sit there and let a smoky fire burn when I can fix it pretty easily. But if I fix it she gets upset with me because she thinks her fires are perfectly fine.
I am mainly curious to hear from other people who have experienced similar disagreements. I know there is no good solution to this other than for me to just shut up and deal, but it would be nice to hear from others who've had the same problem.

 

[TomatoLover]

I'm in the same situation, only I'm the wife and my adorable husband is trying to burn the house down with his fires. I've read and re-read so many different threads on this forum, and have learned a great deal. My adorable husband, however, thinks he learned everything he needs to know about wood stoves in cub scouts 40 years ago.

The best advice I ever got is pick your battles. Is it a safety issue? Then yes, I'm going to say something. If not, I take the dogs out for a long walk while he plays firegod and relives his cub scout glory days.

 

[begreen]

Hmm. Sounds like we may need to open a Dear Ember forum.

 

[Chimney Smoke]

I've had this discussion with my wife. She's perfectly capable starting a fire but I explained to her why it's important to start a fire in a woodstove the proper way to prevent a 2 hour smoldering mess. After a few discussions of the why (not just because I say so) she understands why less smoke is important and now starts great minimal smoke fires.

 

[Beer Belly]

I let the Wife do whatever she wants, as much as it bothers me, and causes me extra work.....our disagreement.....she burns a boat load of Kindling before putting on one single split....which means I gotta work at the Kindling supply

 

[Gripptide]

Be happy she is participating with you in the burning process.

 

[Byrond]

I have found that if I leave just enough kindling and a few small splits close to the stove my wife has an easier time building a good fire.

 

[Huntindog1]

Once it gets good and cold your will be loading on hot coals all the time instead of cold starts.
This may help your situation. Provide some really good dry small split kindling for her to easily access should also help.
Give her time and she will get better.

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

It's been my experience a wise man keeps his pie hole shut and lets a woman do what a woman wants to do. It just ain't worth it.

 

[izzyq]

In our house it's my husband starting fires that makes me itch to get up and fix it. He messes with the stove too much in general but I try to just let him be. Once we are in the 24/7 burn stage there's less fiddling and less starting fires so I can manage until then.

 

[tarzan]

If anybody reading this has ever watched a friend or family member build a fire they will know what I mean when I say, you just want to knock em out of the way and take over.

That same friend or family member probably has the same thoughts while watching you! So there's probably no perfect technique to building a fire but everybody seems to do it a little different and some have to be closer than others.

PS. My wife complains of the house being to cold if it's under 74f so while her methods may be a little different than mine, no worries of excess smoke here.

 

[firefighterjake]

Ehhh . . . for the most part my wife and I are on the same proverbial page when it comes to running the stove.

Starting fires . . . I am a little more inpatient than her. She is willing to wait longer to have the fire get going . . . me . . . I want big flames as soon as possible and so I tend to use more kindling.

Fans to move the heat . . . I tend to go with the idea of using the fan pointing down low and going slow to set up a current . . . she tends to want to point it up higher and have the fan going on high.

I tend to not notice the mess I make when I bring in the wood and leave wood chips and dirt all over the hearth and in front of the woodbox . . . she tends to notice this.

In the end . . . it's all good . . . and not really an issue. I mean, we end up with a warm house, there are no safety issues and everyone is happy (and warm) . . . in the big scheme of life there are many, many, many other issues worth getting worked up about . . . this isn't one of them in my opinion.

 

[begreen]

I have found that if I leave just enough kindling and a few small splits close to the stove my wife has an easier time building a good fire.

This! As long as there is a generous amount of good dry kindling and reasonable sized splits my wife does pretty well at starting and maintaining a fire. She won't stuff the stove like I do, preferring a smaller fire with more frequent feedings, but that's fine.

 

[lml999]

I think this is an annual thread....or better.

I make the fires when I'm home. My wife isn't particularly interested in carrying wood or fiddling with the stove, so when I'm not home, she works the thermostats.

It might cost us a bit more in oil, but I don't want her to be home alone with a smoky fire...or worse...

Of course, as the thermostats are all internet connected, I can check in remotely.

 

[HotCoals]

I think this is an annual thread....or better.

I make the fires when I'm home. My wife isn't particularly interested in carrying wood or fiddling with the stove, so when I'm not home, she works the thermostats.

It might cost us a bit more in oil, but I don't want her to be home alone with a smoky fire...or worse...

Of course, as the thermostats are all internet connected, I can check in remotely.

Well of course!

You kidding me..I'm still try to figure out what all my old flip phone can do and I know it's at least 10 tears old..lol.

 

[Fsappo]

I got lucky. My ex was from Brazil and wanted nothing to do with the wood stove. In regards to other household matters I also chose the "if it aint gonna kill anyone, let her do what she wants" method.

 

[lml999]

Well of course!

You kidding me..I'm still try to figure out what all my old flip phone can do and I know it's at least 10 tears old..lol.

I'm serious. I have 3 Nest thermostats, one for each hydronic heating zone in the house. I can monitor/control them from my laptop or phone, anywhere I have an Internet connection.

I don't have an app for monitoring the stove...yet.

 

[Lyndenbrook Farm]

Does all this smoke make my butt look big?

 

[hoverwheel]

Well of course!

You kidding me..I'm still try to figure out what all my old flip phone can do and I know it's at least 10 tears old..lol.

Couple years ago I went on a business trip out of state.

There an App that makes your Android phone work as a remote for the cable box.

When I returned my wife complained for days about how the tv would suddenly change channels in the middle of her show. (no - I never admitted my part in this)

 

[bsruther]

My wife doesn't touch the stove and has no desire to even try loading it, if she did, she'd get burned and never touch it again anyway.
Though when it comes to outside fires, she's all over it. We'll be cutting and burning brush in a week or two and she is itching to burn some honeysuckle.
She'll feed that fire all day.

 

[Randy Acton]

My wife and I used to battle over it. As it sometimes happens though, logic takes a backseat to emotion.

I would try to explain that flame is good and smolder is bad. But since this is the way Dad always does it (she in an only child so hence the emotion) smolder must be good. Well dad hates starting the fire so he overloads the firebox, chokes it way down and it lasts all day.

I should have done this a couple years ago, but I fiinally bought a flue thermometer. It is clearly marked with creosote zone, optimal zone and over burn zone.

Not quite sure why the thermometer is more trustworthy than me but at least we are all happy.

 

[Woody Stover]

her fires tend to be a little smoky

The cleanest start is with a top-down fire, small stuff on the top/front of the load. The flame is always above the wood that is catching, so the smoke from the catching wood is burned by the flame. It's not quite as quick, so may not work for some in the morning if they are rushing to get out of the house. If she's "green," you can make the point that less smoke equals less pollution. If she's an empath, make the point that a smokeless start is more pleasant for the neighbors. And of course cleaner burns draw less attention from the anti-wood faction.

trying to burn the house down with his fires...plays firegod and relives his cub scout glory days.

You'd better reel him in before you get your new stove, or he will fry it.

He messes with the stove too much

She won't stuff the stove like I do, preferring a smaller fire with more frequent feedings, but that's fine.

It may be "fine," but that don't make it right. Sounds like my neighbor, throwing on another couple splits every half-hour (and with a cat stove.) Every time you open the door, you break the re-burn cycle and you're not burning as clean as you might be.

 

[Mellery]

We are the reverse of the OP. Hubs starts smokey fires and opens the door to 'poke' the fire - like childhood days of his smoke dragons and fireplace. Head injury and memory issues etc. I try and do these things when he's busy somewhere else in the house or yard or gone out. But when he does them, I don't care really. He is also dyslectic so I do the research and learning on the stove.

He does some awesome things for me, like making candle holders a couple days ago from trunks and branches of felled trees in our yard. They're beautiful and sit on our hearth (I really love candle light.) I try and think on this sort of thing. Or the amazing rack of lamb he bought and grilled to perfection for me the other day. He is not fond of lamb but it's my favorite meal. So thoughtful of him

 

[hoverwheel]

We are the reverse of the OP. Hubs starts smokey fires and opens the door to 'poke' the fire - like childhood days of his smoke dragons and fireplace. Head injury and memory issues etc. I try and do these things when he's busy somewhere else in the house or yard or gone out. But when he does them, I don't care really. He is also dyslectic so I do the research and learning on the stove.

He does some awesome things for me, like making candle holders a couple days ago from trunks and branches of felled trees in our yard. They're beautiful and sit on our hearth (I really love candle light.) I try and think on this sort of thing. Or the amazing rack of lamb he bought and grilled to perfection for me the other day. He is not fond of lamb but it's my favorite meal. So thoughtful of him

From your sig:

"2 rescue cats – both without tails, 1 ornery husband"



(This is admiring laughter, not disparaging laughter)

 

[Mellery]

Yeah ^.^ gotta look beyond the bad and peek around the corner, if you know what I mean. Nice to see someone gets that!

He gets pretty upset a lot but in his shoes, I probably would too. Not being able to do or remember even simple things often would be frustrating.