Time for more jokes

[osagebow]

My dad's favorite
Luigi, an old Italian guy, is sitting on the beach in April. A guy comes up and says "How's the water old man?"
"Lukewarm" , says Luigi.
The guy jumps in, and it's freezing cold.
He comes back and yells at the old man, "You crazy old man it's FREEZING! You said it was lukewarm"
Luigi shrugs, then replies "...well it lukeawarm to me!"

 

[Ashful]

An English professor, seeking to demonstrate the importance of proper punctuation, asked his class to punctuate the sentence , "A woman without her man is nothing."

All of the men in the class proceeded to punctuate it the same, "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The ladies had a different take on things, instead choosing, "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

 

[Adios Pantalones]

Snacks in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month (Shann Carr)

 

[Backwoods Savage]

A Bishop and a Rabbi are sharing a train compartment. After a short while, the two men of the cloth start relating some of their past life experiences...

Bishop: So tell me, Rabbi, have you ever actually tasted ham?

Rabbi: Well yes, in fact. Once when I was very young and daring, I tried it. But only the once. So tell me Bishop, have you ever, well, enjoyed the comforts of a young woman?

Bishop: Well, ahem, yes. Before I took my vows, mind you, when I was not so old and not so wise.

Rabbo: Zo, it’s better than ham, hmm?

 

[begreen]

Here's the reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends":

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there was a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : “Now that’s a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!” The young woman is thinking : “Now that’s a strange Russian soldier, he’d rather kiss that old hag than me.” The Russian soldier is thinking : “Now that’s a smart Czech, he steals the kiss and I get slapped.” And the Czech dissident is thinking : “Gee I’m smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier.”

 

[Beer Belly]

 

[Shari]

How children perceive their grandparents

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80.

My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.

"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods"

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''

"You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. "Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! "

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people: “The good news is we got them down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still one of them.”


Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other, “There is no toilet paper over here—do you have any over there?” The second man replies, “No, sorry, I don’t seem to have any, either.” The first man then asks, “Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?” The second man says, “No, sorry!” The first man pauses, then inquires, “Do you have change for a twenty?”


There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.” So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend: “I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.” With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette. A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph. He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to get them to pull over so he can pass them!”

 

[Shari]

A man is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"My oldest son, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"My daughter, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"My youngest son, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"My dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as the man slips away, she says to the wife , "Your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

The wife replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"

 

[Backwoods Savage]

A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer. “What have you got there?” The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. “Well, that’s interesting,” the bartender says. “You haven’t seen it all.” The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. “Come on, Joe.” Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed. “My god!” he says. “Where did you find him??” “Well, I was walking along the beach one day,” the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, “and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish.” “And that was your wish?” The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano. “No,” the man said. “The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn’t get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I’m stuck with this twelve inch pianist.”

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Quality assurance doesn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs or tomatoes.

When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

You never want the one you can afford.

If it says, “one size fits all,” it doesn’t fit anyone.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Interchangeable parts won’t.

No matter which way you go, it’s uphill and against the wind.

If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A free agent is anything but.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

The one item you want is never the one on sale.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys or when you are in the bathroom.

 

[Firedancer]

Two blondes are sitting on their porch one evening admiring the night sky when one blonde asks, "I wonder what's closer the moon or Florida?" To which the other blonde replies, "DUH....the MOON! We can't SEE Florida from here!"

 

[Backwoods Savage]

One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, this time selecting a 4 iron. This shot was perfect; landing right in the middle of the green. Jesus pauses for a moment to ponder his club selection. “Hmmmm..... Arnold Palmer would use this,” he says as he picks up a 5 iron. “But, Jesus. My 5 iron shot ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron!” “Nope. Arnie would use a 5,” insisted Jesus. So, Jesus swings hard and alas his shot ends up in the middle of the lake too. Jesus strolls over to the lake and walks out on the water to retrieve his ball. As Jesus is walking on the water trying to locate his ball a foursome comes up to the tee, sees a man walking on the water and one of them exclaims, “Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?” “No,” explains Moses, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”

 

[Backwoods Savage]

A couple of Redneck deer hunters in the rural south are out in the woods deer hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, I’m sure he’s dead, now what?”


A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk. Did he tell you what caliber to get?” asked the clerk.” “Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I am going to shoot him!”

 

[begreen]

 

[Backwoods Savage]

An exhausted deer hunter out in the wilderness stumbled across another hunter. “Am I ever glad to see you!” said the deer hunter. “I’ve been lost for 3 days.” “Don’t get too excited,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for 3 weeks.”


Question - why is it that Beer Nuts are a $1.50 and Deer Nuts are under a buck?

First man: why do you go deer hunting without bullets? Second man: Because it is cheaper and the results are the same.

If quizes are quizzical, then what are tests?

 

[Backwoods Savage]

If you cross a goat with an owl, would you get a hootenanny?


If apples come from apple trees, do chickens come from poul-trees?


A little boy swallowed a quarter one day. His mother called the doctor who told her that he’d probably be ok and would pass it soon. A week later, she saw the doctor in town. The doctor asked her how the boy was doing. She said, “No change yet!”


A fellow once dropped his wallet in a river. Carp, trying to eat it, only succeeded in bouncing it around from fish to fish...thereby creating the first carp-to-carp walleting.


A student couldn’t understand why his teacher had given him a failing grade on his history test. The teacher said, “Your answer to the question, ‘Why did the settlers go into the wilderness?’ was interesting from a sanitary viewpoint, but it is incorrect from a historical standpoint.”


What’s the difference between snot and cauliflower? Kids won’t eat cauliflower.

 

[DevilsBrew]

 

[Backwoods Savage]

A man was driving in town one day when he got broadsided. He was unconscious when they picked him up with a stretcher and started carrying him to the ambulance. Suddenly he woke up and began kicking and screaming. After they got him calmed down, he explained that when he woke up, the first thing he saw was a Shell gas station sign and some fool was standing in front of the S.


A national study showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a stove poker jammed up his backside while he is on fire...

 

[Backwoods Savage]

The sailor said, "I used to have a girl in every port until I got old and my pier collapsed."



PERKS OF BEING OVER 60

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

 

[Adios Pantalones]

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

And remember these simple rules of life:
1. You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
5. If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
6. And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!