Time for more jokes

[Defiant]

100 mph Goat


Two Oregon rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along
they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are
amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the
bottom. I wonder how deep it is."


The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here.
Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."


So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and
three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and
looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind
them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in headfirst.


While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to
see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"


The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes
doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this
hole here!"


The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

 

[bogydave]

Redneck fire alarm

 

[Grisu]

Little Johnny comes running into the physicians office. "Doc, Doc, please come quick, our Grandma has a huge fever." "Ah, c'mon Johnny, can't be that bad. What does the thermometer show?" "I am not sure. Our fever thermometer is broken but the stove thermometer is in the red!"

A man comes to confess his sins. "Dear Father, I am 80 years old, married, father of 4 children and 8 grandchildren. Yesterday I had an affair...with two young girls. I did it with both...twice!" The Father looks worried and says:" That is indeed serious. When was your last confession?" The man answers:" I have never been to one; I am Jewish." The Father looks puzzled:" Why are you telling it me then?" The man responds:" Because I am telling it to everyone!"

 

[DevilsBrew]

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[bogydave]

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.


After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we
are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

 

[Defiant]

College Football Players


Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;
the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________

 

[BrotherBart]

A man took weekend fishing trips twice a month. His wife got used to them, and was sure to have all of his things packed when he came home after work on Friday. After some months of the same routine, she became concerned as to whether or not he actually was going fishing. One Sunday evening after returning from his "fishing" weekend, he confronted his wife. "All I ask from you is that you have my things ready when I get home from work. And this weekend, you forgot to pack me any clean underwear. Do you have any idea how I feel wearing the same underwear for 3 days?" The wife defended herself, "I didn't forget to pack your clean underwear." He snapped back, "Well, I didn't have any when I got to the lake. Where did you pack them, they weren't in my suitcase." "No, " she replied, "this time I packed them in your tackle box."

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He’s all right now.


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, “Take only one. God is watching.” Moving through the line to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys wrote a note, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”



An English professor announced to the class: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool.” From the back of the room a voice called out, “....., so, what are the words?”



A priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while. The priest finally asks him, “Do you want to speak with me, my son?” “No, I’m just waiting,” said the boy. “Waiting for what,” asked the priest. The boy said, “I wanna know what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer.”

 

[fishingpol]

True story:

When my daughter was little, we were driving near a train bridge and a freight train just finished going by. She said "Daddy, is that train a boy train or a girl train?" I looked at it and decidedly said " It's a girl train. See the big caboose in the back?" Won no points with the wife...

 

[Ehouse]

My three year old daughter's first collective noun; When we got home from her Aunt's wedding (as flower girl) a bunch of Harleys goes by; "Look daddy, a bouquet of motorcycles!

 

[Shadow&Flame]

A couple of ranchers were talking and one said 'I don't know what I am going to do with my new bull, he wont go near the cows and just has
no interest in them.' The other rancher said 'you should call the vet and have him look him over for you'

The next time they meet up the rancher says 'boy, that vet gave my bull some pills and he has serviced all my cows and broke down the
fence and serviced who knows how many cows in the neighborhood.' 'what did the vet give him' asked the other rancher.
' I don't know, but they taste a little like peppermint'

 

[save$]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found... shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

 

[Backwoods Savage]

True story:

When my daughter was little, we were driving near a train bridge and a freight train just finished going by. She said "Daddy, is that train a boy train or a girl train?" I looked at it and decidedly said " It's a girl train. See the big caboose in the back?" Won no points with the wife...

You should have seen my wife's reaction when she read that one Jon!

 

[fishingpol]

You should have seen my wife's reaction when she read that one Jon!

Mine too when I made the joke!

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Did you hear the story about the guy who stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went when it went down? It finally dawned on him.



A rabbi, a minister and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead officer asked, “Father Murphy, have you been gambling?” Turning his eyes toward Heaven, the priest whispered, “Lord, please forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the officer, he then said, “No officer, I was not gambling.” The officer then asked the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to Heaven, the minister replied, “No officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, “With whom?”


Did Noah use deck chairs?


I once knew a lady who had flabby thighs, but fortunately, her stomach covered them.


The best place to see a man-eating fish is in a seafood resturant.


Did you hear about the worm in the cornfield? He went in one ear and out the other.


Or maybe you heard the young fellow say to his date, "Let's go out into the corn field honey. I'll kiss you between the ears."


What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick


The reason blind people don’t sky-dive is that it scares the hell out of the dog.


Did you hear about the two bedbugs that fell in love? They got married in the spring.

 

[BrotherBart]

If you have a gas stove, a wood stove and a coal stove and only one match, which one would you light first?

 

[Defiant]

If you have a gas stove, a wood stove and a coal stove and only one match, which one would you light first?

I would say wood, come on you are killing me, what's the catch?

 

[BrotherBart]

The match.

 

[Backwoods Savage]

A woman had identical twins but had to give them up for adoption. One of them was adopted by a family in Egypt. The new mother wanted to name him Emil, but her husband said he must have a name that would be better suited for Egypt, so they named him, “Amal.” The other twin was adopted by a family from Spain. The new mother wanted to name him John, but her husband said he had to have a Spanish name and so they named him, “Juan.” Many years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that having a picture of one of her sons is not enough. “We must get a picture of our other son too,” said the woman. Her husband shrugged his shoulders and asked, “Why? They are twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

 

[Gary_602z]

Here is one that will catch about 85% of the people.

Have them say Spot.
Have them spell Spot.
Have them say spot 3 times real fast.
Ask them what you do when you come to a Green light.

Gary

 

[WellSeasoned]

Here is one that will catch about 85% of the people.

Have them say Spot.
Have them spell Spot.
Have them say spot 3 times real fast.
Ask them what you do when you come to a Green light.

Gary

Just got the wife on that one!

 

[save$]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

 

[Backwoods Savage]

You’ve heard of animal-rights activists. Now there is a group that has the protection of pigeons as their major objective. They are called People Opposed to Offing Pigeons. For short, they are known as POOP.



If a pig is sold to a pawn shop, is it a ham hock?



A fellow got caught poaching deer, for the third time. When he appeared before the judge, the judge looked at him and said, “The last time I saw you, I told you I didn’t want to see you here again!” The fellow looked at the judge and said, “Yes, your Honor. That’s what I told the game warden, but he arrested me anyway.”


Lewis Grizzard once said, “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”



If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson

 

[WES999]

Got pulled over for speeding yesterday, told the officer my brakes weren't working and
I was rushing home to fix them.

 

[Gary_602z]

True story.
I had a driver years ago that got pulled over for speeding. When the officer asked him if he knew why he got pulled over Dave replied "Yea I didn't hit my brakes in time!" No ticket issued.

Gary