Funniest Things You've Heard Hearth Related

[offroadaudio]

I belong to another forum about a completely different subject, and about 5 years ago someone started a thread "Funniest Things You've Heard..." That thread is now over 150 pages long and still going! So I thought maybe it would be fun to try here. Some of the humor will undoubtedly come from other peoples' misinformation or lack of knowledge, so let's just remember we all started somewhere (and might still be there!) and keep it light and fun. I'll start:

I was talking to my uncle at a family function about his wood supplier. A cousin overheard the conversation and chimed in to say - don't buy any wood I've got like 14 chords you can have. Ok, wow - where did you get 14 chords?
The big oak in my back yard came down.

My wife was explaining to someone at work about how we heat with wood. The friend was shocked and asked "yeah, but don't you have to buy the wood?"
Um, as opposed to all the free fresh squeezed #2 oil you can wring out of dirt? (we don't buy anyway)

The first year I burned, I called a wood supplier out of the yellow pages, and he said this classic, "yeah, it's seasoned"

 

[hemlock]

"You can't burn soft wood."

 

[firefighterjake]

Folks calling cords "chords?"

 

[homebrewz]

Yep, sorry. Chords are what you make when you play two or more notes together. Cords can be electrical, wood, rope, etc related.

Well, I have two I can think of.

I saw a CL ad earlier in the season advertising a wood stove. Nothing great, but certainly not worth the $800 or so they were asking.
The bottom of the ad said "a real good one cost, like, $3000."

Before I started burning, I had a friend who is a mechanic, and would do jobs for me occasionally. I did learn a lot from him, but not about wood burning. One time, part of his payment was to help him collect firewood. "Yep, that'll burn... yep, that'll burn.. throw it in the van". I was pretty green about wood burning then, but not as green as that wood. Also a lot of punky, wet pieces of dead wood were collected too. A couple of years later they had a chimney fire. The house was OK, but the FD tore down their chimney and they had to heat with gas the rest of the season.

 

[begreen]

Had to chuckle when the local PE dealer came out to the house.The expression on his face was priceless when I said I wanted to put a T6 in the living room. "No, I wouldn't do that. Jeez, you're likely to burn the place down with a stove that size! I couldn't sell you that, you'd hate me for it."

 

[ckarotka]

The expression on people's faces from the N.E. when I tell them I burn Pine. Then the expression when I ask them what people from Alaska/Canada and the N.W. burn??

I'm a convert so I can pick fun.

 

[offroadaudio]

Folks calling cords "chords?"

I play guitar too!

 

[Battenkiller]

"There's no smoke coming from my chimney."

"Green wood burns away fast and gives no heat."

"My wood is almost there at 20.036729% MC."

"The drier the better."

"Wood is not a sponge."


Those five come quickly to mind, I'm sure I'll think of others. ;-)

 

[Troutchaser]

Last Jan., Heffergm posted the quote below after viewing a pic of a member's stove. Poor guy was worried about his charred mantle and Heffergm was giving him the beef over his cosmetically challenged stove. I mean the OP's asking a serious question about a particularly dangerous situation and ole' heffergm jumps in with:

"Yikes… Darth Vader would have had that stove if he’d lived long enough to retire to an evil farm somewhere." . . . . . . .heffergm

I pulled that post out this past summer and went to tears with it. I put my wife in front of the computer to read it. She wants me committed. I've got a weird sense of humor.

 

[Battenkiller]

"Yikes… Darth Vader would have had that stove if he’d lived long enough to retire to an evil farm somewhere."

That is pretty funny. Might have been a direct quote from, "Return of the Lopi", though.

 

[jjames]

I had a good friend who heard I am installing a T6 ask me, "How are you going to ensure that your family will be safe from CO2 emissions?"

I had a hard time keeping a straight face.

 

[Big Al]

From my own mouth a few years ago: "I'm getting a wood stove and I'm gonna heat my house for FREE". Now, I'm no stranger to physical labor. I've been a commercial fisherman, auto tech and currently a painting contractor who goes to the gym regularly, and I must say processing wood is a very labor intensive activity.Nothing wrong with it if you like that sort of thing. But, unless it's dropped in my driveway cut and split, and all I have to do is stack it, it ain't free. I hand that farmer his money each time he delivers, gladly and with a smile on my face cuz I know he earned it.

My dad was out stacking wood a few years back at his place. His tenant comes out of the house to go to work and says "Wow, is that all your wood?" My dad says, in his best Bill Engvall, says: "Nope. Belongs to my neighbors. I just keep it here for 'em, kinda like a hotel for wood" (here's yer sign)

From someone I can't recall at the momet: "Do you leave the house with the fire burning in that thing, aren't you afraid something will happen?" My resonse: If I didn't think it was safe, I wouldn't build a fire in it at all, whether I was home or not.

 

[Stump_Branch]

had someone over for the holidays who commented on 'some' of the woods stacks.
"you have a lot of wood" (thats what she said)
to which I answered
"yep, thats all for next year though, nice white oak."
"won't it go bad by then?"

Ah I gave a lame no, when I wanted to say, nope not if you season them just right, little bit of salt, pepper, some thyme, and rosemary.

I left shortly there after skipping a holiday meal to go hunting.

 

[Backwoods Savage]

People driving in my yard and gawking then saying, "Do you think you have enough wood yet?" Then I direct them to some other stacks of wood and tell them I'm getting close.

 

[Delta-T]

"Oh, thats neat, I didn't know pellet stoves had fire in them"

 

[Delta-T]

i also get people who want to challenge the installation requirements for wood and pellet stoves like "It'll be ok if I just set this wood stove on my hardwood floors...right, they're non-combustable".

 

[Jags]

"Can I have some of your firewood - you have so much?"

 

[Mrs. Krabappel]

when folks fuss about The Mrs. ability to run a stove but don't give it a moment's thought when she gets behind the wheel of a CAR!

 

[Delta-T]

when folks fuss about The Mrs. ability to run a stove but don't give it a moment's thought when she gets behind the wheel of a CAR!

my experiences in stoves usually place the ladies in the "much more in tune" with the stoves than a good number of their male counterparts.....I have some customers that I insist on speaking to the Mrs. when they call with questions.

they let ladies drive where you live? thats just CRAZY! (joking of course).

 

[pen]

What is written: "I clean the chimney regularly"

What that really means: "I burned a chimney sweeping log a year or two ago"

pen

 

[KB007]

Best one I heard was from an old timer a few years back "yeah it's good to have a chimney fire now and then to clear out the creosote"...

 

[tsquini]

Overhearing a conversation my friend asks: "When did you learn to jodle"
Reply: "No I said Jotul. It's a stove"
Friend: "How do you jodle with a stove"
Reply: "You have to get it up to temperature"

At this point I realized this conversation could of lasted hours.

 

[BrotherBart]

The funniest ones you guys never see. Mostly coming to me in emails and PMs. The word poophead is usually in there somewhere over a pulled post or closed thread.

The best one was from a banned drunk wanting to meet me somewhere to kick my ass. I replied that five hundred miles was a long way to ride a bus just to end up getting your ass kicked in a bus station parking lot. And then have to ride all the way back.

Some of the hearth related stuff may look strange or funny sometimes, but always remember that with a few notable exceptions they are from people that came here because they really know there is something they need to learn and are looking for help.

Well, except for them "chords" of wood. :lol:

 

[Mrs. Krabappel]

Best one I heard was from an old timer a few years back "yeah it's good to have a chimney fire now and then to clear out the creosote"...

My neighbor told me that everyone would gather around chimney fires like a fireworks display on the fourth.

 

[offroadaudio]

The funniest ones you guys never see. Mostly coming to me in emails and PMs. The word poophead is usually in there somewhere over a pulled post or closed thread.

The best one was from a banned drunk wanting to meet me somewhere to kick my ass. I replied that five hundred miles was a long way to ride a bus just to end up getting your ass kicked in a bus station parking lot. And then have to ride all the way back.

Some of the hearth related stuff may look strange or funny sometimes, but always remember that with a few notable exceptions they are from people that came here because they really know there is something they need to learn and are looking for help.

Well, except for them "chords" of wood. :lol:

That's unpossible!