Turned 50 years old last month and my doctor and I thought a great way to celebrate the milestone would be with my first ever colonoscopy . . . I decided to keep track of my "progress" on Facebook.
July 20, 11:45 a.m.: Hmmm . . . my beef broth for breakfast was not as filling as I was hoping and the chicken broth looks quite different from the picture on the front of the package which shows a stew laden with carrots, potatoes and chunks of chicken vs. something that looks like used bath water. At least it tastes like chicken soup . . . minus the good stuff. And to think just two days ago I was eating smoked brisket, ribs and a loaded baked potato. How far I have fallen . . .
July 20, 4:56 p.m.: And so it begins . . .
July 20, 5:04 p.m.: Well that didn't take very long . . . looks like someone carpet bombed the area. #2 with #2
July 20, 7:09 p.m.: 32 ounces of Gatorade and about two weeks worth of laxative drunk in an hour . . . I am starting to understand what folks say. Important mental note #1: If I think I am about to have some flatulence, under no circumstance do NOT do so. Important mental note #2: Start load of laundry in an hour.
July 20, 7:20 p.m.: Aw geez . . . #4 . . . and I only went 10 minutes ago. What fresh hell am I in store for . . . I still have another 32 ounces of Gatorade/laxative to drink seven hours from now.
July 20, 7:31 p.m.: If this keeps up I may set some sort of record . . . or at least a personal best score. Oops . . . I did it again. (Note: At this point a buddy said I really should have wrote "Poops . . . I did it again.")
July 20, 7:54 p.m.: Starting to think I should have stocked up on another 24 rolls of toilet paper right about now . . . #6
July 20, 9:13 p.m.: 32 ounces in . . . so, so much more coming out. Where is it all coming from?
July 21, 2:33 a.m.: Well it's been a solid 4 hours since I last was forced to once again reexamine the wisdom in my frugality when it comes to buying the cheap two ply toilet paper. At times like these suddenly the 32 cent difference in cost between the wafer thin paper I usually buy and the cushiony cloud like paper I normally eschew as an unnecessary expense doesn't seem like such a bad deal.
In any case, here I am four hours later and I've ponied up to the proverbial bar for another few rounds of Gatorade/Miralax shooters . . . poop shooters? This strikes me as mildly funny . . . but then again it could be a serious lack of sleep as I have not been intimate with my Glacier Bay N2316 toilet for close to four hours . . . but then again I feared drifting into too deep a sleep less the urge from the nether regions strike . . . and so it was a very restless sleep.
Round one has gone down -- cherry glacier . . . an apt description I suppose for anyone who has actually seen glacier run off -- a milky, opaque slurry of fine silt suspended in water frozen for eons. The similarity between my Gatorade/Miralax concoction in cherry glacier and an actual glacier run off is remarkably similar in look.
Oh heaven above and hell below . . . I think it's starting again as I feel the renewed stirrings in my loins . . . and not in a good way.
July 21: 2:45 a.m.: For those of you at home keeping score . . . we're now at #8.
Based on my experience mere minutes ago, I believe I am about to once again have the chance to have a bit of deja vu from earlier today . . . well technically yesterday . . . time is kinda getting a bit blurred and is now being marked out with shots of Gatorade/Miralax and sheets of TP.
For once I wish I could say this is all a result of poor choices on my part . . . but alas . . . it's all part of growing older and reaching that magical milestone of 50 years of age. My protruding abdomen however . . . that's on me . . . and choosing Ben and Jerry's over a kale smoothie over the past 50 years.
July 21, 3:23 a.m.: #9 . . . for some reason my mind keeps bringing me to those As Seen On TV turbo jet hose ads.
July 21, 7:01 a.m.: Good morning dear friends . . . I have been lax in my updates.
This morning my arse is rather tender which is not surprising since my last post I have headed to the bathroom for the 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th and 15th time.
I wish I could say it is my propensity to exaggerate and toy with the truth to make a more engaging story, but alas . . . this is the complete and honest truth with not a whiff of exaggeration.
Where all of this is coming from I know not . . . it seems as though there is no way I could have drank or ate this much . . . surely it must be coming from a mysterious fifth dimension.
In any case I wish I could say the process is slowing up, but it seems as though I sit, do my business and after a goodly amount of time of no action get up . . . lie down . . . only to be struck by those now all too familiar pangs . . . which in fact the stirrings of which I am feeling now even as I type these words.
I fear dear friends that the end is far from over.
July 21, 7:14 a.m.: What in God's green earth have they given me that has turned my insides into liquid lava?
Number 16 and no signs of slowing . . . if you see a car parked alongside I-95 this morning you may NOT want to stop to see if I am OK.
July 21, 4:53 p.m.: I think I set a record . . . 17 bathroom "breaks".
As others predicted here everything else went pretty well . . . the nurse did poke me three times before giving up and having another nurse do the IV (not her fault . . . I suspect after last night there wasn't much fluid on board.) I told the second nurse she was a Green Beret Nurse . . . but almost immediately regretted not knicknaming her the Ninja Nurse for her IV skills as it would have had a much better ring to the name.
Great folks at St. Joseph's . . . although a buddy of mine said they offered him a blueberry muffin afterwards. No muffin for me unfortunately.
In any case, I ate lunch at Wendy's . . . came home and have been sleeping things off. I still feel a bit groggy.
Best news . . . don't have to do this again for another 10 years.
July 20, 11:45 a.m.: Hmmm . . . my beef broth for breakfast was not as filling as I was hoping and the chicken broth looks quite different from the picture on the front of the package which shows a stew laden with carrots, potatoes and chunks of chicken vs. something that looks like used bath water. At least it tastes like chicken soup . . . minus the good stuff. And to think just two days ago I was eating smoked brisket, ribs and a loaded baked potato. How far I have fallen . . .
July 20, 4:56 p.m.: And so it begins . . .
July 20, 5:04 p.m.: Well that didn't take very long . . . looks like someone carpet bombed the area. #2 with #2
July 20, 7:09 p.m.: 32 ounces of Gatorade and about two weeks worth of laxative drunk in an hour . . . I am starting to understand what folks say. Important mental note #1: If I think I am about to have some flatulence, under no circumstance do NOT do so. Important mental note #2: Start load of laundry in an hour.
July 20, 7:20 p.m.: Aw geez . . . #4 . . . and I only went 10 minutes ago. What fresh hell am I in store for . . . I still have another 32 ounces of Gatorade/laxative to drink seven hours from now.
July 20, 7:31 p.m.: If this keeps up I may set some sort of record . . . or at least a personal best score. Oops . . . I did it again. (Note: At this point a buddy said I really should have wrote "Poops . . . I did it again.")
July 20, 7:54 p.m.: Starting to think I should have stocked up on another 24 rolls of toilet paper right about now . . . #6
July 20, 9:13 p.m.: 32 ounces in . . . so, so much more coming out. Where is it all coming from?
July 21, 2:33 a.m.: Well it's been a solid 4 hours since I last was forced to once again reexamine the wisdom in my frugality when it comes to buying the cheap two ply toilet paper. At times like these suddenly the 32 cent difference in cost between the wafer thin paper I usually buy and the cushiony cloud like paper I normally eschew as an unnecessary expense doesn't seem like such a bad deal.
In any case, here I am four hours later and I've ponied up to the proverbial bar for another few rounds of Gatorade/Miralax shooters . . . poop shooters? This strikes me as mildly funny . . . but then again it could be a serious lack of sleep as I have not been intimate with my Glacier Bay N2316 toilet for close to four hours . . . but then again I feared drifting into too deep a sleep less the urge from the nether regions strike . . . and so it was a very restless sleep.
Round one has gone down -- cherry glacier . . . an apt description I suppose for anyone who has actually seen glacier run off -- a milky, opaque slurry of fine silt suspended in water frozen for eons. The similarity between my Gatorade/Miralax concoction in cherry glacier and an actual glacier run off is remarkably similar in look.
Oh heaven above and hell below . . . I think it's starting again as I feel the renewed stirrings in my loins . . . and not in a good way.
July 21: 2:45 a.m.: For those of you at home keeping score . . . we're now at #8.
Based on my experience mere minutes ago, I believe I am about to once again have the chance to have a bit of deja vu from earlier today . . . well technically yesterday . . . time is kinda getting a bit blurred and is now being marked out with shots of Gatorade/Miralax and sheets of TP.
For once I wish I could say this is all a result of poor choices on my part . . . but alas . . . it's all part of growing older and reaching that magical milestone of 50 years of age. My protruding abdomen however . . . that's on me . . . and choosing Ben and Jerry's over a kale smoothie over the past 50 years.
July 21, 3:23 a.m.: #9 . . . for some reason my mind keeps bringing me to those As Seen On TV turbo jet hose ads.
July 21, 7:01 a.m.: Good morning dear friends . . . I have been lax in my updates.
This morning my arse is rather tender which is not surprising since my last post I have headed to the bathroom for the 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th and 15th time.
I wish I could say it is my propensity to exaggerate and toy with the truth to make a more engaging story, but alas . . . this is the complete and honest truth with not a whiff of exaggeration.
Where all of this is coming from I know not . . . it seems as though there is no way I could have drank or ate this much . . . surely it must be coming from a mysterious fifth dimension.
In any case I wish I could say the process is slowing up, but it seems as though I sit, do my business and after a goodly amount of time of no action get up . . . lie down . . . only to be struck by those now all too familiar pangs . . . which in fact the stirrings of which I am feeling now even as I type these words.
I fear dear friends that the end is far from over.
July 21, 7:14 a.m.: What in God's green earth have they given me that has turned my insides into liquid lava?
Number 16 and no signs of slowing . . . if you see a car parked alongside I-95 this morning you may NOT want to stop to see if I am OK.
July 21, 4:53 p.m.: I think I set a record . . . 17 bathroom "breaks".
As others predicted here everything else went pretty well . . . the nurse did poke me three times before giving up and having another nurse do the IV (not her fault . . . I suspect after last night there wasn't much fluid on board.) I told the second nurse she was a Green Beret Nurse . . . but almost immediately regretted not knicknaming her the Ninja Nurse for her IV skills as it would have had a much better ring to the name.
Great folks at St. Joseph's . . . although a buddy of mine said they offered him a blueberry muffin afterwards. No muffin for me unfortunately.
In any case, I ate lunch at Wendy's . . . came home and have been sleeping things off. I still feel a bit groggy.
Best news . . . don't have to do this again for another 10 years.
. Apparently younger people are getting colon cancer at a much higher rate these days and there is discussion about having the first check up one 10 to 20 years earlier. Those early cases tend to be more aggressive and without testing its usually too late by the time symptoms appear.
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