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Time for a chuckle or two. Add yours.

Post in 'The Inglenook' started by Mrs. Krabappel, Jan 27, 2013.

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  1. bogydave

    bogydave Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2009
    Messages:
    8,426
    Loc:
    So Cent ALASKA
    Dear Tech Support,
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
    Signed,Desperate
    *******************
    DEAR DESPERATE,
    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
    We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
    Good Luck,
    Tech Support

    Helpful Sponsor Ads!





  2. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

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    May 20, 2008
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    6,390
    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
  3. begreen

    begreen Mooderator Staff Member

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    Nov 18, 2005
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    45,989
    Loc:
    South Puget Sound, WA
  4. fossil

    fossil Accidental Moderator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2007
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    10,018
    Loc:
    Bend, OR
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    Thistle, BrotherBart and Billybonfire like this.
  5. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    Feb 14, 2007
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    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    It's that time of year again....at least in some places.

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  6. homebrewz

    homebrewz Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
    Messages:
    898
    Loc:
    East Central, NY
    I took this photo a while ago. In their defense, its one of the nicer particle board campers I've seen.

    Attached Files:

  7. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
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    Loc:
    Michigan
    This one doesn't take much gas.

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  8. Defiant

    Defiant Vermont Castings Geek

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    2,112
    Loc:
    Old Lyme CT
    The sad definition of "OLD"

    #1
    Very quietly I confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
    He turned to me and asked, Excellent!...Are you having it catered?


    #2
    Just before the funeral services, the
    undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
    98 she replied: Two years older than me
    So you're 96, the undertaker commented.
    She responded, Hardly worth going home, is it?


    #3
    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    And what do you think is the best thing
    about being 104?' the reporter asked.
    She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

    #4
    I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
    I'm half blind,
    can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
    Have bouts with dementia.
    Have poor circulation;
    Can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my driver's license.

    #5
    An elderly woman stated: I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
    join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
    and perspired for an hour. But,
    by the time I got my leotards on,
    the class was over.

    #6
    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will
    and told her preacher she had two final requests.
    First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
    she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
    'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
    'Why Wal-Mart?'
    'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

    #7
    Two things about getting old...
    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    And....oh yea, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    #8
    Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    #9
    It's scary when you start making the same noises
    as your coffee maker.

    #10
    These days about half the stuff
    in my shopping cart says,
    For fast relief.

    #11
    THE SENILITY PRAYER :
    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    the eyesight to tell the difference.
  9. Defiant

    Defiant Vermont Castings Geek

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    2,112
    Loc:
    Old Lyme CT
    How to turn a number 1 into a number 2

    [​IMG]
    Backwoods Savage likes this.
  10. Thistle

    Thistle Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2010
    Messages:
    4,206
    Loc:
    Central IA
    A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

    “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

    “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? Wh...at happened to your hand?”

    The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.”

    “What about that eye patch?”

    “Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and suddenly my eye was filled with bird droppings”

    “You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird droppings.”

    “It was my first day with the hook.”
  11. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    6,390
    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
    A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging off his belt buckle.
    Bartender: "Hey- what's with the wheel? It can't be comfortable"
    Pirate: "Aye- it's drivin' me nuts"
  12. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    May 20, 2008
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    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
    Hearth Mistress likes this.
  13. Defiant

    Defiant Vermont Castings Geek

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    2,112
    Loc:
    Old Lyme CT
    6 Basic rules for good health


    1. F***ing once a week
    is good for your health, every day is even
    better.



    2.
    F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind &
    body.



    3.
    F***ing refreshes you.



    4.
    After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more
    liquids.



    5.
    F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol
    level.



    SO,
    REMEMBER ...



    6.
    FISHING is good for your health and soul,
    And may the Good Lord cleanse your FILTHY
    Mind!
  14. Gary_602z

    Gary_602z Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2009
    Messages:
    930
    Loc:
    Lake Odessa,MI
    A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.

    His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done,
    the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in
    my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!!

    What the f*** did you bring him around for?"

    "Cause he's thinking of getting married."

    Gary
    HDRock, Jack Fate and Thistle like this.
  15. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    May 20, 2008
    Messages:
    6,390
    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
    got a nice laugh out of this

    HDRock, begreen and fossil like this.
  16. fossil

    fossil Accidental Moderator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2007
    Messages:
    10,018
    Loc:
    Bend, OR
    ;lol Should be a nicely tanned & fit Ferret in a lifeguard stand watching the pool action.
  17. Redbarn

    Redbarn Member

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    SE PA
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  18. Joful

    Joful Minister of Fire

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  19. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    Michigan
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    Thistle and Defiant like this.
  20. Dairyman

    Dairyman Feeling the Heat

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    Southwest MO
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  21. Bret Hart

    Bret Hart Member

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    Oct 23, 2012
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    Loc:
    Canastota NY
    Anyone have any jokes to share? I'm going through joke withdrawal.
  22. Dairyman

    Dairyman Feeling the Heat

    Joined:
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  23. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    Adult dog store.jpg Freeze to hydrant.jpg Prime.jpg
    Bret Hart and Gary_602z like this.
  24. Sprinter

    Sprinter Minister of Fire

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  25. Defiant

    Defiant Vermont Castings Geek

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    2,112
    Loc:
    Old Lyme CT

    A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

    His wife screams at him. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”

    "Because he's thinking of getting married...."
    Backwoods Savage, Joful and firebroad like this.
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