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Time for more jokes

Post in 'The Inglenook' started by Defiant, Aug 27, 2013.

  1. bogydave

    bogydave Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2009
    Messages:
    8,426
    Loc:
    So Cent ALASKA
    A man in rural Minnesota wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof so he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers".
    He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

    The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
    He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog.

    "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

    "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
    When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab histesticles and not let go.
    The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

    He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

    "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

    "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
    HDRock, Frozen Canuck, Joful and 2 others like this.

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  2. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    May 20, 2008
    Messages:
    6,400
    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
    Should I ever be arrested- I want to be as bad ass as this guy. Of course, my nasal voice would preclude his awesomeness.

    mattjm1017 and Joful like this.
  3. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    May 20, 2008
    Messages:
    6,400
    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
    XKCD again. huh huh- willie

    [​IMG]
    Joful likes this.
  4. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    There are four basic rules for having good teeth:

    1. Brush them at least twice every day.

    2. See your dentist at least twice a year.

    3. Floss at least once a day.

    4. Keep your nose out of other people’s business.




    Did Noah have flood lights on his boat?



    What happens when you put a yellow rock in the Red Sea? It becomes wet real fast.



    When is a dog’s tail not a dog’s tail? When it’s a wagon. (Bad.)



    Why can’t Cinderella play soccer? She keeps running away from the ball.



    Why do cows huddle together? To keep each udder warm.
  5. BrotherBart

    BrotherBart Hearth.com LLC Mid-Atlantic Division Staff Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2005
    Messages:
    27,632
    Loc:
    Northern Virginia
    Not a joke but funny.

    This afternoon I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and parked. The car nosed in in front of me was a new Honda FIT. The license plate cracked me up. A guy walked up and I asked if it was his car. He laughed and looked at the license plate and said it was. I told him he had gotten one over on the DMV. He said he lives in Lake of the Woods and a truck driver friend told him it wasn't a FIT. In traffic he calls those little cars farts because they annoy him. The guy said the next week as a joke he applied online for his VA personalized plate for it. Expecting it to be rejected.

    A couple of weeks later his wife called him and asked "Do you really want to put what just came in the mail on your car?". His new plates had arrived and he expects them to be recalled any day.

    LOW FART
    Backwoods Savage and Joful like this.
  6. Joful

    Joful Minister of Fire

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    Mar 7, 2012
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    6,071
    Loc:
    Philadelphia
    LOL! ;lol
  7. bogydave

    bogydave Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2009
    Messages:
    8,426
    Loc:
    So Cent ALASKA
    Football and the Blonde


    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.


    After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
    "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
    Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
    I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
    Backwoods Savage, Grisu and Freeheat like this.
  8. firebroad

    firebroad Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2011
    Messages:
    1,529
    Loc:
    Carroll County, MD
    Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
    One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:
    1) It is perfect formula for the child.
    2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3) It is always the right temperature.
    4) It is inexpensive.
    5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
    6) It is always available as needed.
    And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
    7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

    He got an A.
  9. firebroad

    firebroad Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2011
    Messages:
    1,529
    Loc:
    Carroll County, MD
    If VA DMV is anything like MD MVA, they will eventually send his a letter ordering him to turn it in. Many years back, someone got vanity plates here that said, F55MPH. Made it in the papers before MVA figured it out. For years to come people kept trying to request that one.
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2013
  10. hossthehermit

    hossthehermit Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    May 17, 2008
    Messages:
    2,148
    Loc:
    Maine, ayuh, by gorry
    Coffee .............

    Backwoods Savage, gmule and Gary_602z like this.
  11. firefighterjake

    firefighterjake Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2008
    Messages:
    14,919
    Loc:
    Unity/Bangor, Maine
    I think I must be slow . . . I'm not "getting" this one. ???
  12. firebroad

    firebroad Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2011
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    1,529
    Loc:
    Carroll County, MD
    It was when the speed limit was legally mandated to be no higher than 55 Miles Per Hour. Thus, "F### 55 MPH"
  13. Joful

    Joful Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2012
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    6,071
    Loc:
    Philadelphia
    yeah... but you had typed "MPG", not "MPH". Hence the confusion. Firefighters aren't always the quickest folks, you know. ;)
    firefighterjake likes this.
  14. firebroad

    firebroad Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2011
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    1,529
    Loc:
    Carroll County, MD
    Whoops!! I will correct it.;)
  15. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older guy had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he asked. “I’ll bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to bring back in that wheelbarrow. “You’re on, old man,” said the braggart. “Let’s see what you can do!” The old man went over and grabbed the wheelbarrow and came back to the braggart and said, “All right, get in.”
    PapaDave, tfdchief, Dairyman and 2 others like this.
  16. Joful

    Joful Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2012
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    6,071
    Loc:
    Philadelphia
    Also works with "silk," and "what do cows drink?"

    <-- remembers third grade, too! ;lol
    Dairyman likes this.
  17. save$

    save$ Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2008
    Messages:
    1,916
    Loc:
    Chelsea Maine
    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boy friend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
    Keep reading-they get better!!!
    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    'Cash, Check or Charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set
    in her purse.
    'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
    'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shoppingwith me,
    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
    KEEP READING ALL THE WAY TO THEBOTTOM .
    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
    I know I'm not going to understand women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,pour it onto your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider.
    LOTS MORE TO ENJOY...KEEP SCROLLING DOWNFOR A WHILE .
    MARRIAGE SEMINAR
    While attending a Marriage Seminardealing with communication,
    Tom and his wife Grace listened to theinstructor,
    'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
    He addressed the man,
    'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
    'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?'
    LOTS MORE TO LAUGH AT ...
    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the
    aisles..
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
    She directs him down the correctaisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton ballsand a ball of
    string on the counter.
    She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for sometampons for
    your wife?
    He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
    to get me a carton of cigarettes,and she came back with a tin of tobacco
    and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own
    .......... so does she.
    (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
    KEEP ON READING .
    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying aword.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,'Relatives of yours?'
    'Yep,' the wife replied,'in-laws.'
    MORE AND MORE YET TO ENJOY.
    WORDS
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
    day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
    KEEP ON GOING.
    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day,'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
    SCROLL DOWN SOME MORE...
    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
    The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
    you should do it, because that is your job,and I can just wait for my coffee.'
    Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
    Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
    YEP, THERE IS SOME MORE...
    THE SILENT TREATMENT
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home
    and were giving each other the silent treatment.
    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to
    wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
    piece of paper 'Please wake me at 5:00AM .' He left it where
    he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
    and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
    his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper
    by the bed.
    The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM.Wake up.'
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
    KEEP ON SCROLLING DOWN...
    God may have created man before woman, but there is
    always a rough draft before the masterpiece:p
    NortheastAl and Backwoods Savage like this.
  18. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    I dreamed death came to me one night

    And Heaven’s gates flew open wide.

    With kindly grace St. Peter came

    And ushered me right inside.


    There to my astonishment

    Were friends I had known on earth

    Some I had labeled as unfit

    And some of very little worth.


    Indignant words flew to my lips

    Words I could not set free.

    For every face showed stunned surprise

    For no one there expected me.



    Listless: Feeling no inclination toward or interest in marking quantities on paper.



    Millet: Food for fodder of feathered foragers.



    Talon: The quicker picker-upper.


    Doughnut: Dunk food.





    Rhubarb: Celery with a sunburn.
    NortheastAl likes this.
  19. JOHN BOY

    JOHN BOY Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2012
    Messages:
    532
    Loc:
    Western Mountains ,NC
    Husband goes to funeral home with wife , her mom has died . Husband goes up to casket to pay respects and starts crying .

    Wife says what are you crying for , you hated my mother ..you never got along .

    Husband says My Lord honey ...i thought i saw her hand Move !! ;lol
    Backwoods Savage and Joful like this.
  20. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    Knot: A tangle with a name.


    Wading: The most common means through which a dry hiker is transformed into a wet one.


    Coffee: Break fluid.


    Leftovers: Mull-again food.


    Waffle: Non-skid pancakes.


    Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you sober up and realize it was your money to start with.


    Reintarnation: Coming back as a hillbilly.



    Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



    Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
    save$ likes this.
  21. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

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    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    Do you know the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? It’s easy: Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


    Our politicians prove they have faith in the younger generation. Just look at the size of the national debt they expect them to pay off.



    It’s always darkest just before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.



    I know a fellow whose sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
  22. WES999

    WES999 Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2008
    Messages:
    878
    Loc:
    Mass north of Boston
    Why is the USS Enterprise like a role of toilet paper?

    They both keep the Klingons off Uranus.
    Backwoods Savage likes this.
  23. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    Have you seen the new home surgery kit that just became available? It’s called Suture Self


    Did you know that in 1850, the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted?


    Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.


    My mother’s sister didn’t want a big fancy wedding, so my anteloped.


    When a cat quits purring, it has just developed a purr senility disorder.


    A woman asked her husband if he’d love her when her hair turned gray. He replied, “Of course, dear. I’ve loved you through four or five color changes anyway.”
  24. Bret Hart

    Bret Hart Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2012
    Messages:
    133
    Loc:
    Canastota NY
    So this fella from the city buys a 5 acre parcel and decides he's gonna make a small fortune raising chickens. He goes to the local feed and farm store and starts asking one of the workers for advice. A few days later he buys 100 chicks.

    About 2 days later, he's back in there. He calls the worker over and claims they sold him defective chicks. "Every single one of those chicks died!" Well, the store worker is a bit puzzled. He gets the manager. The manager doesn't want to lose a customer, so he gives the city fella 100 replacement chicks and an apology.

    2 days later he's back in there hoppin' mad. "Why these chicks are no better than the first 100. Every single one of them dead!" The manger asks him a few questions. "what are you feeding them?" "That starter mix your employee suggested." "Are you watering them?" "I have 5 of them fancy waterers your employee suggested I buy." "How 'bout heat lamps? Are you keeping them warm?" "Yes! I'm keeping them right at the temperature your employee suggested!"

    Puzzled, the manager calls the worker over to join the conversation. The manager asks him to recount all the advice he'd given the city farmer. The employee rattles off every little detail of successful chicken farming-even a few tips the manager didn't know about, but that made sense to him. The manager turns to the customer and says, "Well, he gave you solid advice. I'm not sure why the chicks keep dying so quickly. But we'll give you another 100."

    The city fella thanks the manager. As they are loading the 100 chicks into his Prius, the city boy turns to the worker and says, "OK, I got one more question. I've followed all of your advice and your boss has confidence in you, so I'll trust you on this. But I've never once heard you say how deep to plant them."
    Backwoods Savage and Joful like this.
  25. Adios Pantalones

    Adios Pantalones Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    May 20, 2008
    Messages:
    6,400
    Loc:
    S.NH- Mass's smoking section
    Joful likes this.

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