1. Welcome Hearth.com Guests and Visitors - Please enjoy our forums!
    Hearth.com GOLD Sponsors who help bring the site content to you:
    Hearthstone Soapstone and Cast-Iron stoves( Wood, Gas or Pellet Stoves and Inserts)
    Caluwe - Passion for Fire and Water ( Pellet and Wood Hydronic and Space Heating)

Time for more jokes

Post in 'The Inglenook' started by Defiant, Aug 27, 2013.

  1. Defiant

    Defiant Vermont Castings Geek

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    2,112
    Loc:
    Old Lyme CT
    100 mph Goat


    Two Oregon rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along
    they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are
    amazed by the size of it.
    The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the
    bottom. I wonder how deep it is."


    The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and
    listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
    The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here.
    Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."


    So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and
    three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and
    looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind
    them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
    brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in headfirst.


    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
    hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
    walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to
    see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"


    The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just
    standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes
    doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this
    hole here!"


    The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
    bioman, albert1029, jharkin and 11 others like this.

    Helpful Sponsor Ads!





  2. bogydave

    bogydave Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2009
    Messages:
    8,426
    Loc:
    So Cent ALASKA
    Redneck fire alarm
    redneck fire alarm.jpg
  3. Grisu

    Grisu Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2010
    Messages:
    1,812
    Loc:
    Chittenden, VT
    Little Johnny comes running into the physicians office. "Doc, Doc, please come quick, our Grandma has a huge fever." "Ah, c'mon Johnny, can't be that bad. What does the thermometer show?" "I am not sure. Our fever thermometer is broken but the stove thermometer is in the red!"

    A man comes to confess his sins. "Dear Father, I am 80 years old, married, father of 4 children and 8 grandchildren. Yesterday I had an affair...with two young girls. I did it with both...twice!" The Father looks worried and says:" That is indeed serious. When was your last confession?" The man answers:" I have never been to one; I am Jewish." The Father looks puzzled:" Why are you telling it me then?" The man responds:" Because I am telling it to everyone!"
  4. DevilsBrew

    DevilsBrew Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2013
    Messages:
    659
    Shadow&Flame and Defiant like this.
  5. bogydave

    bogydave Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2009
    Messages:
    8,426
    Loc:
    So Cent ALASKA
    Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
    His wife was standing there watching him.



    After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we
    are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell
    your golf clubs."

    Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

    "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

    ”I wasn't!“
  6. Defiant

    Defiant Vermont Castings Geek

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    2,112
    Loc:
    Old Lyme CT
    College Football Players


    Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
    ___________________________________________

    Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

    So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
    ___________________________________________

    What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

    Drool.
    ___________________________________________

    How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. That's a sophomore course.
    ___________________________________________

    How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

    The cow fell on him.
    ___________________________________________

    Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

    One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

    The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
    ___________________________________________

    A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

    He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

    Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________

    What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

    "Will the defendant please rise."
    ___________________________________________

    If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

    The police officer.
    ___________________________________________

    How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

    There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
    ___________________________________________

    What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

    A full set of teeth.
    ___________________________________________

    University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;
    the other half will have to dress themselves.
    ___________________________________________

    How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

    They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
    ___________________________________________

    Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

    He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
    ___________________________________________

    How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.
    ___________________________________________
  7. BrotherBart

    BrotherBart Hearth.com LLC Mid-Atlantic Division Staff Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2005
    Messages:
    27,632
    Loc:
    Northern Virginia
    A man took weekend fishing trips twice a month. His wife got used to them, and was sure to have all of his things packed when he came home after work on Friday. After some months of the same routine, she became concerned as to whether or not he actually was going fishing. One Sunday evening after returning from his "fishing" weekend, he confronted his wife. "All I ask from you is that you have my things ready when I get home from work. And this weekend, you forgot to pack me any clean underwear. Do you have any idea how I feel wearing the same underwear for 3 days?" The wife defended herself, "I didn't forget to pack your clean underwear." He snapped back, "Well, I didn't have any when I got to the lake. Where did you pack them, they weren't in my suitcase." "No, " she replied, "this time I packed them in your tackle box."
  8. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He’s all right now.


    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, “Take only one. God is watching.” Moving through the line to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys wrote a note, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”



    An English professor announced to the class: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool.” From the back of the room a voice called out, “....., so, what are the words?”



    A priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while. The priest finally asks him, “Do you want to speak with me, my son?” “No, I’m just waiting,” said the boy. “Waiting for what,” asked the priest. The boy said, “I wanna know what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer.”
  9. fishingpol

    fishingpol Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2010
    Messages:
    2,052
    Loc:
    Merrimack Valley, MA
    True story:

    When my daughter was little, we were driving near a train bridge and a freight train just finished going by. She said "Daddy, is that train a boy train or a girl train?" I looked at it and decidedly said " It's a girl train. See the big caboose in the back?" Won no points with the wife...
  10. Ehouse

    Ehouse Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2011
    Messages:
    934
    Loc:
    Upstate NY
    My three year old daughter's first collective noun; When we got home from her Aunt's wedding (as flower girl) a bunch of Harleys goes by; "Look daddy, a bouquet of motorcycles!
    Backwoods Savage and Bret Hart like this.
  11. Shadow&Flame

    Shadow&Flame Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2011
    Messages:
    788
    Loc:
    Central Arkansas
    A couple of ranchers were talking and one said 'I don't know what I am going to do with my new bull, he wont go near the cows and just has
    no interest in them.' The other rancher said 'you should call the vet and have him look him over for you'

    The next time they meet up the rancher says 'boy, that vet gave my bull some pills and he has serviced all my cows and broke down the
    fence and serviced who knows how many cows in the neighborhood.' 'what did the vet give him' asked the other rancher.
    ' I don't know, but they taste a little like peppermint'
  12. save$

    save$ Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2008
    Messages:
    1,916
    Loc:
    Chelsea Maine
    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found... shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

    Dear Mrs. Smith,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
    minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
    voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
    employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
    chips.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
    children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
    blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
    obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
    crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
    Emergency Medics were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
    asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
    humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
    through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
    awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
    here.' One of the Staff passed out.
    mralias, Joful, stoveguy2esw and 6 others like this.
  13. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    You should have seen my wife's reaction when she read that one Jon! ;lol
    NortheastAl likes this.
  14. fishingpol

    fishingpol Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2010
    Messages:
    2,052
    Loc:
    Merrimack Valley, MA

    Mine too when I made the joke!
    NortheastAl likes this.
  15. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    Did you hear the story about the guy who stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went when it went down? It finally dawned on him.



    A rabbi, a minister and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead officer asked, “Father Murphy, have you been gambling?” Turning his eyes toward Heaven, the priest whispered, “Lord, please forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the officer, he then said, “No officer, I was not gambling.” The officer then asked the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to Heaven, the minister replied, “No officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, “With whom?”


    Did Noah use deck chairs?


    I once knew a lady who had flabby thighs, but fortunately, her stomach covered them.


    The best place to see a man-eating fish is in a seafood resturant.


    Did you hear about the worm in the cornfield? He went in one ear and out the other.


    Or maybe you heard the young fellow say to his date, "Let's go out into the corn field honey. I'll kiss you between the ears."


    What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick


    The reason blind people don’t sky-dive is that it scares the hell out of the dog.


    Did you hear about the two bedbugs that fell in love? They got married in the spring.
    NortheastAl likes this.
  16. BrotherBart

    BrotherBart Hearth.com LLC Mid-Atlantic Division Staff Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2005
    Messages:
    27,632
    Loc:
    Northern Virginia
    If you have a gas stove, a wood stove and a coal stove and only one match, which one would you light first?
  17. Defiant

    Defiant Vermont Castings Geek

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    2,112
    Loc:
    Old Lyme CT
    I would say wood, come on you are killing me;), what's the catch?
  18. BrotherBart

    BrotherBart Hearth.com LLC Mid-Atlantic Division Staff Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2005
    Messages:
    27,632
    Loc:
    Northern Virginia
    The match.
    stoveguy2esw, Joful, JoeyD and 4 others like this.
  19. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    A woman had identical twins but had to give them up for adoption. One of them was adopted by a family in Egypt. The new mother wanted to name him Emil, but her husband said he must have a name that would be better suited for Egypt, so they named him, “Amal.” The other twin was adopted by a family from Spain. The new mother wanted to name him John, but her husband said he had to have a Spanish name and so they named him, “Juan.” Many years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that having a picture of one of her sons is not enough. “We must get a picture of our other son too,” said the woman. Her husband shrugged his shoulders and asked, “Why? They are twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
    NortheastAl, save$ and PapaDave like this.
  20. Gary_602z

    Gary_602z Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2009
    Messages:
    930
    Loc:
    Lake Odessa,MI
    Here is one that will catch about 85% of the people.

    Have them say Spot.
    Have them spell Spot.
    Have them say spot 3 times real fast.
    Ask them what you do when you come to a Green light.:)

    Gary
    mattjm1017 and Backwoods Savage like this.
  21. WellSeasoned

    WellSeasoned Guest

    Just got the wife on that one!
    mattjm1017 likes this.
  22. save$

    save$ Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2008
    Messages:
    1,916
    Loc:
    Chelsea Maine
    The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

    He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

    Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
    PapaDave and Backwoods Savage like this.
  23. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    27,816
    Loc:
    Michigan
    You’ve heard of animal-rights activists. Now there is a group that has the protection of pigeons as their major objective. They are called People Opposed to Offing Pigeons. For short, they are known as POOP.



    If a pig is sold to a pawn shop, is it a ham hock?



    A fellow got caught poaching deer, for the third time. When he appeared before the judge, the judge looked at him and said, “The last time I saw you, I told you I didn’t want to see you here again!” The fellow looked at the judge and said, “Yes, your Honor. That’s what I told the game warden, but he arrested me anyway.”


    Lewis Grizzard once said, “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”



    If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson
  24. WES999

    WES999 Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2008
    Messages:
    878
    Loc:
    Mass north of Boston
    Got pulled over for speeding yesterday, told the officer my brakes weren't working and
    I was rushing home to fix them.
  25. Gary_602z

    Gary_602z Minister of Fire

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2009
    Messages:
    930
    Loc:
    Lake Odessa,MI
    True story.
    I had a driver years ago that got pulled over for speeding. When the officer asked him if he knew why he got pulled over Dave replied "Yea I didn't hit my brakes in time!" No ticket issued.

    Gary

Share This Page