Time for a chuckle or two. Add yours.

[Adios Pantalones]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer, and a mop"

Favorite bumper sticker: Fat people are harder to abduct

 

[Hearth Mistress]

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

 

[Adios Pantalones]

Did someone here post this already?

 

[Defiant]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.


The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.



The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.



The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'



'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'



The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much'.

 

[BrotherBart]

Back in the sixties an old Indian got out of prison after serving a 20 year sentence. He headed for the nearest bar and ordered that beer he had been dreaming of for years. A young long haired hippie with a scruffy beard was sitting down the bar. The Indian would take a sip and then stare at the hippie. Take a sip and stare at the hippie. Eventually the hippie got bugged and came down and asked the Indian what he was staring at.

The Indian replied "Twenty years ago I go to jail for making love to Buffalo. Not sure but you just may be my son."

 

[fossil]

Wouldn't have been Craig, would it?

 

[Backwoods Savage]

No need to give your children harsh laxatives... just beat it out of them.


The preacher said that adultery is as bad as murder. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never killed nobody.


The difference between a pregnant woman and a burned out light bulb is that the light bulb can be unscrewed.


Wife to hubby: You don’t need a new spring outfit, you need some spring in your old outfit.

 

[BrotherBart]

Wouldn't have been Craig, would it?

Back in 1970 my boss loved telling that joke.

 

[rideau]

Here's a bumper sticker that ruined a perfectly good word for me:

Ithaca is gorges.

 

[rideau]

People who live in glass houses should wear clothes.

 

[Gary_602z]

Toothpicks float,they would.

Gary

 

[Ashful]

 

[Hearth Mistress]

I love these...they get me laughing every time

 

[Hearth Mistress]

Chinglish and Engrish sites crack me up too...no offense to anyone here, just my sick sense of humor even though their attempt at English is still better than my Chinese

 

[Jags]

The overkill with the Tonka truck made me giggle. Looks like something I would do, just to mess with people.

 

[Gary_602z]

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.

Gary

 

[homebrewz]

Do you know what the difference is between a four wheel drive and a rental car?

The rental will go anywhere.

 

[firebroad]

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard, and said. "I lost my Grandpa."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The Guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The tyke hesitated for a moment, then replied:
"Crown Royal Whiskey and ladies with big t!ts."

 

[WES999]

There once was a lady named Brite
Who's speed was much faster than light
She went out one day
And in a relative way
Returned on the previous night

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Just a note to say I’m living, that I’m not among the dead
Though I’m getting more forgetful and mixed up in my head.
I got used to arthritis and to my dentures I’m resigned
I can manage my trifocals, but gosh I miss my mind.

For sometimes I just can’t remember when I stand at the foot of the stair.
If I must go up for something or have I just came down from there?
And before the fridge so often my poor mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put food away or have I come to take some out?

So if it’s my turn to write you there’s no need for getting sore
I may think that I have written and don’t want to be a bore.
Just remember that I love you and I wish that you were near.
Now it’s nearly mail time so I must say good-by, my dear.

Here I stand beside the mailbox with a face so very red.
Instead of mailing you this letter I have opened it instead.

 

[Redbarn]

Old Timers 4WD

 

[begreen]

Crap, how did you get that photo of me? It sure wasn't supposed to go public!

 

[Ashful]

Crap, how did you get that photo of me? It sure wasn't supposed to go public!

He caught it on one of oldmountvernon's lawn cameras.

So you were the guy stealing the garden gnomes!

 

[begreen]

Busted

 

[begreen]

I've got to speak with Jags about motorizing these wheels for a faster getaway.