Tools Explained

begreen

Mooderator
Staff member
Nov 18, 2005
85,996
South Puget Sound, WA
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh chit'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
BLOCK PLANE: A device used to remove chunks of wood from a smooth surface.
SMOOTH PLANE, JACK PLANE, FORE PLANE, JOINTER: Increasingly large and heavy devices that perform the same function as a block plane, as well as digging long V-shaped grooves and creating subtle wavy patterns.
CHISEL: A device for digging slightly deeper than you intended. Also helpful for drawing blood samples.
BUFFING WHEEL: A device for flinging beautifully-finished objects across the room.
SPRAY BOOTH: An enclosure for exploding an entire shop. Also useful for testing respirators and one's ability to walk with blurred vision.
DUST COLLECTION SYSTEM: A sophisticated way to scatter sawdust and other detritus into every corner of the shop.
INSPECTION MIRROR: A useful device for looking at your own reflection.
CANT SAW: It can't saw.
SON-OF-A-groan TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a groan' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 

MoDoug

Feeling the Heat
Feb 3, 2018
310
NE Missouri
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh chit'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
BLOCK PLANE: A device used to remove chunks of wood from a smooth surface.
SMOOTH PLANE, JACK PLANE, FORE PLANE, JOINTER: Increasingly large and heavy devices that perform the same function as a block plane, as well as digging long V-shaped grooves and creating subtle wavy patterns.
CHISEL: A device for digging slightly deeper than you intended. Also helpful for drawing blood samples.
BUFFING WHEEL: A device for flinging beautifully-finished objects across the room.
SPRAY BOOTH: An enclosure for exploding an entire shop. Also useful for testing respirators and one's ability to walk with blurred vision.
DUST COLLECTION SYSTEM: A sophisticated way to scatter sawdust and other detritus into every corner of the shop.
INSPECTION MIRROR: A useful device for looking at your own reflection.
CANT SAW: It can't saw.
SON-OF-A-groan TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a groan' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
This is amazing! You've managed to get a hold of Murphy's tool guide.
 
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PaulOinMA

Minister of Fire
Oct 20, 2018
837
MA
Pinching skin to make a blood blister sure does hurt.
 
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johneh

Minister of Fire
Dec 19, 2009
3,231
Eastern Ontario
The only thing you forgot about band saws and table saws is finger removal tools
 

stoveliker

Feeling the Heat
Nov 17, 2019
267
Eastern Long Island NY
HAMMER: male nail painter
SPLITTING AXE: toe reduction tool
WIRE BRUSH: eye piercing tool
 

bholler

Chimney sweep
Staff member
Jan 14, 2014
23,118
central pa
I just got 10 stitches in my finger because an adjustable slipped when rebuilding my snow plow pump. I hit a piece of stainless sheet metal with my finger tip. All because I was to lazy to walk up to the auto shop and grab a 1 1/8" deep socket.

I was pretty pissed at myself. Now I am hurt for our crazy busy time
 
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stoveliker

Feeling the Heat
Nov 17, 2019
267
Eastern Long Island NY
That
I just got 10 stitches in my finger because an adjustable slipped when rebuilding my snow plow pump. I hit a piece of stainless sheet metal with my finger tip. All because I was to lazy to walk up to the auto shop and grab a 1 1/8" deep socket.

I was pretty pissed at myself. Now I am hurt for our crazy busy time
That sucks. Hope no tendons or nerves were hit.
 

bholler

Chimney sweep
Staff member
Jan 14, 2014
23,118
central pa
That


That sucks. Hope no tendons or nerves were hit.
No just slid under the bone on the tip about 1/2" deep orthopedic surgeon looked at it to be sure but said it will be fine. No real structure there. And no damage to the bone.

Just stupidity
 
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bholler

Chimney sweep
Staff member
Jan 14, 2014
23,118
central pa
My kids did bring in a week's worth of wood for me after that though. That was nice.
 
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PaulOinMA

Minister of Fire
Oct 20, 2018
837
MA
On stupidity ... I had two little attic fans in the roof of our NJ house. One was making noise. I reached up to see if the motor was really hot. Didn't know that the fan blades extended so far past the motor.

Got two fingers really good. Wrapped up my hand and Nan drove me to the ER. Started driving, and I commented, "I did have my fingers, didn't I?" Didn't want to get back home and have one of the cats playing with a finger.

Those two fingers are really sensitive to cold now.
 
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