Firewood Jokes

[Montanalocal]

Late last fall, the Indians on the Aamjiwnaang Nation reservation in Grand Bend, Canada, asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold, and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

Being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He called the Canada Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’ ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the Canada Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ ‘Yes,’ the man at Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’ The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the Canada Weather Service once more. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’ ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’ ‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked. The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting one Hell-of-a-lot of firewood.”

 

[HisTreeNut]

This puny guys applies for a job as a lumberjack. "Sorry, says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down, "You're just too small."

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," the guy pleads. "You won't regret it."

"Okay," says the boss. "See that giant oak over there? Let's see if you can chop it down." Less than five minutes later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss. "Where'd you learn to cut trees like that?" he asks.

"The Sahara Forest."

"You mean the Sahara Desert ?"

"Sure, if that's what they call it now."

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[HisTreeNut]

"Howdy...Is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"Well, you see I'm calling about my neighbor Billy Bob Jenkins. The thing is, I think he's hiding a stash of marijuana somewhere inside his firewood..."

"Sir, thank you very much for your call."

The following day, a crack squad of FBI agents descended on Billy Bob's house. Bursting into his shed, they find the stash of firewood. Using axes, they bust open every single piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left...

The phone then rings inside Billy Bob's house:

"Hey there Billy Bob...Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

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[PaulOinMA]

Good jokes!

My wife and I actually know a Billy Bob. That's his e-mail address. His given name is Robert. We know him from a golf tournament we all used to volunteer for in the 2000s. Meeting him for lunch today at the Vo Tech school restaurant in town. Best place for breakfast and lunch!

He attends the church my wife switched to last year. We were at the church picnic last summer, sitting at a table with some women. We mentioned Billy Bob a few times, and the women started laughing, explaining, "we don't know anyone that calls him Billy Bob."

"We don't know anyone that doesn't."

 

[HisTreeNut]

So this lumberjack applied for the job of "Log Inspector" at one of the mills and the foreman and the owner take him out to see what he really knows.

The foreman stops the truck and points to a tree and says, "What species is that big tree over there, and how many board feet of lumber does it contain?"
"That's a Douglas Fir, 383 board feet." the lumberjack answers, the foreman can see the owner is impressed.

They continue on about another mile and the foreman points to another tree and asks the same question.
"Hemlock, 285 board feet." the lumberjack answers, again the owner is visibly impressed.

After the third stop the owner is praising the lumberjack's talent and foreman is getting a bit worried that this new guy is actually smarter than him, he has to do something to make him look bad. He stops the truck and hands the lumberjack a piece do chalk, " Get out and mark the front of that big tree over there," he says winking at the owner.

The lumberjack gets out, walks around the tree while looking at the ground, stops and puts an X on the tree and returns to the truck.
"How in the heck do you know that is the front of the tree?" the foreman asks sarcastically.
"Cause somebody took a dump behind it." the lumberjack replied.

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[Montanalocal]

Big Ass Tree.

 

[blacktail]

Oly and Olaf, both unemployed, were walking by a logging company office and saw a sign in the window that said "tree fellers wanted."
Oly said to Olaf, "it's too bad Sven isn't with us right now, because we're just two fellers."

 

[HisTreeNut]

A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a tree.

Upon arrival at the tree he started swinging at the tree. "But, I'm a talking tree," said the tree.

"And you will dialogue," replied the lumberjack.



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[HisTreeNut]

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as firewood so his wife and children could stay warm. Everyday, starting at 4am and ending 10pm, Ivan would leave his home and begin chopping down every tree he came across. He would then haul the trees back home where he would chop them into firewood.

It was hard work, and didn’t leave him much time with his family. However Ivan didn’t mind it too much because he was rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardships.

Ivan’s work routine went along uninterrupted for a few years, until one day Russian government officials showed up at Ivan’s home. They were mad at Ivan for chopping down a large portion of the Siberian Forest, a natural beauty that is loved by the entire country. They demanded that Ivan stopped chopping down the forest so that Russia could continue to boast the region’s vast beauty.

Ivan was not intimidated by the Russian government, after all he was rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardships. So Ivan continued his routine of chopping down more and more of the forest.

The same government officials came back a month later, this time with a squad of Russian soldiers. They were furious that Ivan didn’t follow their command, and wanted to punish him for his actions against the state. So at gun point, Ivan was drafted into the Russian navy, where he would be far away from his wife, children, and the Siberian forest.

This punishment was severe, and very painful for Ivan. He would no longer be able to care for his family, and being at sea made him feel uneasy. But he didn’t try to get out of his punishment for he was rough, tough, hard to bluff and extremely used to hardships. He just wanted to serve his time in the navy and then go back to his family.

Ivan was assigned to a large battleship, and was posted to an observations chair on the ship’s tallest mast. The waters he patrolled were rough, and Ivan would get very seasick from the ship constantly swaying side to side.

One day, Ivan’s battleship was caught in a terrible storm that caused everyone on board to panic. The ship rocked violently in all directions, but Ivan refused to leave his post on the mast. He held on as tightly as he could until a giant wave smashed against the side of the ship, and Ivan was thrown from his post to the deck below.

Ivan’s body had made a large crater in the battleship’s hull, causing massive damage. All of Ivan’s comrades on board saw the crater with Ivan at the center, and immediately assumed the worst. Then suddenly, Ivan stood up and climbed out of the crater, leaving all the sailors around him in disbelief.

“Ivan! How could you have survived a fall from that height?”

“It was nothing comrades, I am rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hard ships.”



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[Montanalocal]

Anybody see this Dr Pepper ad with a funky firewood stack?

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[Montanalocal]

 

[begreen]

Not a firewood joke, but a good one for these times:

Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!

 

[Davesch]

A grizzly Maine wood cutter went to the hardware store to have his cross cut saw sharpened.

"Are you still cutting firewood with this?" the clerk asked. The cutter said yes.

"You need a chainsaw for that," the clerk said. "With this new saw, you can cut 10 cords a day." So the cutter bought the chainsaw and left.

A few days later, the cutter went back to the store and put the saw on the counter. He said the best he could do was two cords a day. So the clerk took the saw, went back to the shop and sharpened it.

"Here, it's sharp now. Give it a try," the clerk said. A couple of days later the cutter returned with the saw.

"Busted my butt. Best I could do was three cords yesterday," the cutter said.

The clerk took the saw and sharpened it again. Then he went back to the counter with it.

"Before you leave, maybe I should make sure it's running OK." He took the saw, pulled the rope and the saw went vroom."

The cutter looked at him and said "What's that noise?"

 

[Osage]

Sven and Ole went ice fishing. Ole put a thermos down by his bucket. Sven ask, vat is that thing you got thar. Ole answered, that thar thing is called a thermos. Sev replied vell vats it for. Ole says, vell at the hardware store they told me that it's to keep hot or cold. Sven says, vell vat you got in it? Ole says 2 cups of coffee and a popsicle.

 

[Ashful]

 

[PaulOinMA]

New Scandinavian Cooking had an episode with hot dogs in a Thermos for lunch when skiing. Like that idea.

 

[EatenByLimestone]

Sent to me from a non wood burning fellow.